About The Pursuit…Riding The Wave



There is so much going on. And, it seems as if nothing is going on at the same time. Time flying by faster than ever. Trying to sort it out here. So, let me tell you about it. That way, the next time we’re together, I don’t have to catch you up with the complex stories in my head and heart. We can sip coffee on the front porch, instead, and enjoy a Spring morning free of my spiral of thought. And, with our coffee, let’s listen to some soft music and look at the flowers.

In the meantime…this one will take you an hour to read.  Get comfortable.


“Will It Go ‘Round In Circles”—I remember that song by Billy Preston. A song about a song. Playing on the radio. Radio waves…those invisible energies that somehow make music come out of my dashboard. I don’t see them. But, I believe in them. I suppose you don’t even have to believe in them. They just are. Invisible waves. Tune in to the right station and you might hear music. Amazing. If you move from the AM band up to the FM band, the selection is bigger and the sound so much clearer. I wonder how many bands there are that I don’t even know about.


I remember many many years ago being at the end of my rope. It was 1986. Having no idea what to do. Where to go. What next step to take. It was a bad time. I was very confused. Very alone. Clueless. Nothing making sense. So, one day I asked myself, “What the hell should I do?” After asking the question, I honest-to-god leaned over and shut my eyes…opened up an old Catholic bible sitting on the table to a random page and pointed my finger down on the page. You know. Looking for some magical answer. Some inspiration. Something. Anything. And, then I opened my eyes. My finger was sitting on the line, “Trust in God.” The seek and you will find thing. BAM. Well, shoot. That’s a good one. How’d that happen? Out of all the words in that book, that’s where my finger ended up? Must be a sign, right? Okay. Okay, I’ll do that. Yup. I’ll just bite the bullet and do it. Sure. Sounds good. Trust in God…become one with God. Sure. Atonement. There’s a goal. The gold. Go for the gold. At. One. Ment. Wow. Actually seemed right. Lofty but right. But it made sense religiously and psychologically. To me, anyway. A feeling of wholeness for lack of a better description. “Yeah. I’ll go for that. Sounds good.”

There I was…a young man…but feeling like I was still back in my altar boy cossack. Naive. Idealistic. “Well, there’s the answer! Just trust in God and everything will be okay.” The nuns would be proud of me. Sounds so religious, doesn’t it! Even though, by then, I had already begun studying metaphysics.

So, I take it literally. Honest to god. “Seek first the kingdom…” and “Trust in God.” What on earth was I thinking? Oh, well. Made for an interesting set of challenges. But, it just made sense at the time. Desperate? Well, yeah, maybe. Not able to handle my own life, so looking for a fix from some unknown entity I was programmed to believe in as a kid? Well, yeah, maybe. Just a guy with a mess of a life seeking answers? Playing a New Age trick on myself…trying to find some sort of sign? Well, yeah, maybe. Damn it, Shirley McClaine got to me.

Seek and you will find…

I don’t know. There was just something important about that day, that’s all. I remember it like it were yesterday. Horrible situations and so much angst and thought and so many questions had led up to it. Mind you, I’m not talking about the same god that those nuns taught me about, either. I’m talking about something of which I don’t know or fully understand. I think, something bigger.


How old is this place, the Universe, anyway? Like 14 billions years or something like that, right? Hell…if it can operate all that time all on “its own” then I figure what the hell am I worried about anyway? Some thing. Some one. Some power. Some force. Some energy. SOMEthing has to be going on that I just don’t get. So, out of all the frickin’ words of wisdom in a book written by man, those two quotes struck me as true. Honestly—it just did NOT make any sense to me at all that I somehow ended up here on earth with the primary and most important goal being as simple as oh, getting a job to pay my way. What? A job? That’s why I am here? The main thing I’m supposed to focus on—out of all of the wonders of the gigantic universe—is a job? So I can work? Huh?

And, then, of course, save my money. Retire. Then die? What?

All within a limited time frame of something like 80 or 90 years if I’m lucky. Hell. That’s not even a blink in the 14-billion-year time frame, now is it? It’s like a bajillionth of a second in the big picture.

Oh. And, somehow in that 80- or 90-year life span, I was supposed to figure out everything about how to live, how to love, how to worship God and all that dogma crap. Follow the rules. And, of course, if I didn’t, I was going to burn. Burn bad. Burn for ever and ever and ever?

Well, that doesn’t sound right, now does it? Not to me, anyway. Hmmm. I’m here for what, like that bajillionth of a second in the greater time span of all of the universe…and if I do it wrong, well, too bad…I get to go somewhere that it’s hot and miserable for I guess, like 14 billion more years?

Well, who set this up, anyway? That sure doesn’t seem fair. It sure doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s sure not very nice of him or her or it, now, is it?

Pretty cruel, actually. And, heck, all these people around me claiming they’ve got the answers and I’m wrong wrong wrong…and, they let me know it…well, they don’t seem very nice, either. Why are they telling me I’m going to burn in hell if I don’t believe the way they do?


And, what was this religion thing I was brought up in? The message of love, the Christed version, seems bastardized…corrupted…debased. Watered down into a bunch of rules to live by…that, then, apparently, if I follow them, I won’t burn in that hell thing they carry on about. Instead, I guess I’m going to float around in the sky all happy-like. Well, hells bells. Sounds boring. That didn’t make much sense, either. And, if it did…well, then I’d better just hole up in a monastery somewhere and wait for death. God forbid I make a little mistake with that hell thing over my head.

And, those rules? Recite after me…this is what we believe. We’d better repeat it every Sunday to make sure we don’t forget, of course. Well, until we get out into the parking lot and refuse to let someone in ahead of us. You know, because my time is so important and yours isn’t. Church parking lots. Wow. Anyway. So, “they” tell us how to live. How to pray. That we’re sinners. And, they give us a list of those sins. Who to confess our sins to…one of them because, I guess, well, they’re better than I am and they must have some special connection to the big guy. They tell us when we can have sex. With whom we can have sex. And, how we can have sex. Man, they sure seem to worry about sex a lot. Must be on their minds. They tell us it’s only okay if they sanction it with a ceremony and a piece of paper. They tell us what to eat…including, apparently, blood and flesh every Sunday. Ewww. Sounds like cannibalism to me. That contraception is bad. And homos are bad. And, actually, everyone that doesn’t follow the rules is bad. One of my faves…that women are not in control or in charge of their own body or procreation choices…but, that some men in fancy robes burning incense can tell them what’s right and what’s wrong. They tell us how much money to give them. They tell us when, how, where and whom to worship. They tell us everything we need to do to live right with God. Who are these people, anyway? And, just who is their god? Apparently, it’s the god that says we are to blame for everything. That he made us perfect and we screwed it up. Didn’t know we had that much power to destroy perfection. Something isn’t right here.

How come the god of the old testament somehow seemed different from the God of the new testament? Or at least some of the attributes Christ talked about…when you read between the lines. Didn’t He come down here to free us from all the crap? Weren’t we supposed to actually emulate him? Follow his lead? Wasn’t that the real point? That we could be like him…that we are like him…with no need for the lists and the control by others? Who stole him from us, anyway. Why did we let others steal his message. Oh, for heaven’s sake. Hah! Like that line? And I dreamt of becoming a priest when I was a kid. I shudder to think about that now. But hell, they had wall-to-wall carpeting in the rectory and our pastor drove a Caddy. And everyone looked up to them…I could serve God, drive a Fleetwood and have a maid. Oh, yeah.

And, follow those rules and you do get one benefit: you get to tell everyone who doesn’t agree with you and your god that they’re going to that hell place I talked about. Yeah…you get that bonus: you’re right, they’re wrong and you get to warn them that they’re going to hell. Oh, lordy. Kinda misses the whole point about loving your neighbor, doesn’t it. Honest-to-god it’s like watching a school of fish. Or those starlings in the sky. Unknowingly, the entire swarm moves through space without any direction…just sensing movement…blindly following each other as it were one bird. Not a whole mess of ‘em…just one unit swooping through the sky. They’ll shit on you if you aren’t careful where you walk. Or lemmings. Yeah, lemmings. Right over the edge. Better yet: walking zombies. Elementals. Automatons.


Ya know. The lists could go on and on and on. It, too, just didn’t make a lot of sense anymore. Especially after coming out years earlier. One day I was right with God and “He loved me”…the next…after excruciatingly facing myself in the mirror after years of doubt…finally coming to my own understanding and acceptance of myself…then BAM…now God doesn’t love me. Unless, of course, I renounce myself and follow the rules. What? Best thing that ever happened to me was coming out. Well, forgetting now, of course, the initial nightmare you have to go through of learning, adjusting, giving up a lie. Anyway, a whole new world was laid at my feet. A whole new perspective. A break from the way my mind worked. My heart. My soul. It was a gift. Especially living in a conservative environment. The gift is being able to see things differently…from a new fresh point of view…freeing myself from a paradigm that I didn’t know I was in. First step in waking up.

Yeah. Big part of those decisions years ago was to try to weed out the chaff from the grain…open my eyes…find out the truth for myself. Yup…gonna prove that God loves me and that I love me and then I’m going to finally find that life-changing soulmate of mine! Hmmm. There ya go. Maybe I was just looking for a good boyfriend and great sex…you know, under the guise of a grand spiritual journey. And, in the process I’m going to find out who or what the real God is.  Always thought science would eventually prove God, too.  Prove that there’s some incredible energy force that connects us all.

Shoot. Just a young man searching for answers is all. At the time, being gay was like the ultimate sin. The ultimate family and cultural disgrace. Hide it. Suppress it. Repress it. Lose your job over it. Lose your life over it. Keep it a secret. With such an indoctrinated upbringing, no wonder I was desperate for some sort of guidance or understanding or direction. Hell, already left corporate life to start a new journey. Already broke free of that matrix. Already went bankrupt. Didn’t have a dime for therapy. Had no idea all of this was opening the Pandora’s box of psychological and spiritual growth. Just Trust In God.


Didn’t know about the Dark Night of The Soul way back then. What it meant. What the journey was really going to be like. That there might actually be phases involved. Cycles. Steps. A process. I was not familiar with any of it. Maybe that’s good. Had I known, I might have changed my mind.

It’s been a ride. A huge fucking roller coaster ride. And, darn it, I don’t even like roller coasters. They’re so scary. Especially in the front seat. And, darn it if I didn’t naively hop into that fucking front seat. What drove me, anyway? Why did I do all that way back then? What was I thinking? Or, feeling? Where did it come from? Was I being courageous or a wuss-ass hiding in my own little world of make-believe? What was real and what wasn’t? Why did I instinctively…innocently…naively…there’s that word again…just hop into that front seat? I remember telling a family member that I felt like I was being “called.” Called to what, I didn’t know. Called to a church? No. A religion? No. Just called. Hell if I knew. Let’s just say after their skeptical reaction, I never brought it up again.


The details of the decades don’t make a rat’s ass bit of difference. Everyone has their story. Their joy and their pain. Their lessons, their successes and failures. Maybe the only difference is that from that point on, I always looked at it as a picture so that, somehow, the intense puzzle pieces will fit someday. Someday it will all make sense. Maybe I just had to look at it that way because there were times that were very dark…no answers at all…uncontrollable behavior patterns that seemed to lead nowhere. Living them out. Going through them. Good decisions and bad ones. So often it felt like going in circles just like the song. Somehow it all just had to fit into a bigger picture. Otherwise I might succumb to whatever forces were at work at any particular time. You know…”go down”…give up. Man, so much of it sucked. “Oh, I’m on a journey,” I’d tell myself. Yeah. Corporate guy now cleans houses…turns into a servant. I guess one can justify anything…you know…if it’s for the grand spiritual journey. Or, maybe I was just deluding myself because I couldn’t get my shit together.

Damn it, how come I wasn’t magically, instantly transformed into some great whole, atoned person who was always centered? Shoot.

I had justifications, too when I realized how many lessons I apparently had to learn. Figured if, as a human being, I was limited in the level I might be able to achieve in soul growth this time around, then so be it. I’ll continue next round…maybe a little bit higher on the steps. Always wondered why I had that vision in my head of the staircase floating up in the dark sky. It was a white staircase. Been trudging up those damn stairs all this time…stepping back on more occasions than I care to remember…only to start back up again. Always figured this Jesus guy had some good shit in his repertoire. Hell…if one individual human can transcend this reality and infuse his energy in the entire spectrum of the Universe, I guess I can try, too. Ahh. The Christ syndrome, ay? The “I can be perfect” thing. Damn Catholic stuff creeping again, maybe. But, frankly, I did not want to have to come back for another round.


Found this a long time ago. What? Something that wasn’t included in the version they taught me?

From the gospel of Thomas.

Jesus said, “Everyone who seeks should continue seeking until he finds. When he finds, he will be troubled at the contemplation of Truth, but when he has passed through the time of trouble, he will be astonished at the brightness of the Light, for the Way of Truth is the Pathway to the Eternal Godhead, and the price of the beatific vision is the wringing of the soul. The person who desires to rise above all things must descend below all things, for the way to the heights passes through the depths of anguish, which generate the fires of Life. The person who has suffered and found Life is blessed.”

Hmmm. Sounds like what I was experiencing. Is that the long suffering they talked about? Or, is it bullshit? Didn’t make any difference. I was sufferin’ long.

Jesus said, “If you say that the abode of the Gods is in the sky, the birds will arrive there before you. If you say it is in the sea, the fish will arrive there before you. Know that the heavenly realm is both inside you and outside you, and you will know that which is outside by that which is inside. When you have found the Light within yourselves, you will know as you are known. Then you will know that you are the children of the Living Parents and that your destiny is to be as they are. The person who knows not himself, is poor in Spirit, for he is his own poverty.”

Hell, that’s deep, isn’t it. It sure resonated, though. Wonder why I hadn’t seen this before.


Okay, okay. So, I’ll keep going. I believe. I believe. I trust. I trust. Pray. Pray. Pray. I don’t get it all the time, but by golly, there’s enough unexplainable stuff that happens so unexpectedly that I somehow get re-energized and keep going each time. Just when I need it, too. Always. Especially after struggling with decisions of action versus inaction and letting go. Over and over again. The word coincidence doesn’t mean what it used to mean. I live by “coincidences” for years. Synchronicities. Work. Not a job, but work. Money. People. Everything I ever needed I was given. Every person I was to meet I met. Every situation seemed nothing more than a challenge to learn something. In fact, as I began to realize, my entire life was directed in a way that seemed purposeful and connected. Looking at that big picture again. From way back to when I was a kid. No wonder I was the one bundled up in snow gear refusing to get up from the ottoman to go to Grandma’s. I was in revery. I was somewhere else. Floating in my head. The voices of family members yelling, “It’s time to go!” were like echoes in the distance. I was the goof-ball all the way back. Hmmm. You mean this really is some sort of plan? And, I keep reminding myself I’m still here. I may not get the whole picture, but, by golly, it’s not going to stop me from working at it. Just kind of fumbling my way through my process of self-actualization, that’s all. Lot of psychology and head trips involved in the so-called spiritual journey. Finding out how many times you have to face yet some other new discovery about yourself that you don’t really like can really throw a cog in the wheel! Seemed like I was constantly being tested. Periods of quietness. Then tests once again.

And, ultimately, it pretty much boils down to trusting in the Greater for everything. Literally. When you give up your will to follow the unknown and undefined bigger will, it can be, well, let’s just say, unnerving. You have to face all of it. But, it was a choice. So, I guess I really was exercising my free will to try to let go of my free will. Huh? Damn it. Love and hate. Self-loathing. Urges. Drives. Addictions. Experimenting. Expectations. Disappointments. Judgments. Shame. Anxiety. Depression. That guilt crap. Self-judgment being the worst. Oh my god, fighting doubt and fear are probably the biggest challenges of all. Then, allowing doubt and fear. And, then finally realizing that change isn’t the goal…acceptance is. Of yourself. Just the way you are with all your strengths and all your weaknesses. All your little remnants of self that are just part of you. Good lord. Mom never told me that. Is it really that simple? Just accept and love yourself the way you are. Duh. It’s kind of embarrassing when I think about it. So many other people seem to have that down!!


But, you know…I have my upbringing that’s mine. My religious heritage that’s mine. My cultural heritage that’s mine. So, my challenges and strengths are different than someone else’s. So is my terminology. Just the way it is. Damn Catholic guilt. Just a part of it for me. But, an important part. Hmm. They did a kick-ass job of programming me. Just a recovering Catholic I guess. Wonder if my grand spiritual journey was nothing more than that. Or, maybe it’s as simple as, “growing up.” Just took me a little longer than most, I think. “Man stuck in adolescence has wake-up experience.” Or, was I really trying to integrate the soul with my earthly experience…an honest yearning? Oh well.

I tell ya, though…once you commit, there’s no going back. Honest-to-god, you can actually sense that things…all things, actually…really do happen for a reason. A way bigger reason than you ever can imagine. Pieces of the puzzle are shown to you. It’s all a hell of a lot more complex than we think. The connecting life threads begin to become commonplace. Guidance is real. Protection is real. Help is real. Especially when you fuck up bad. Good lord, I’ve hurt myself and others so many times during this process. But, it is a process. Began seeing it that way for real. A tangible, visible, feeling process. Uh, like, way self-absorbed, for sure…but you know…you’re driven by the goal. And, you even forgive yourself for being so me-centered during the lessons. Because you absolutely have to. It’s sort of like distinguishing between being lower-case selfish and upper-case Self-ish…the latter being a recognition that if I couldn’t get my act together…if I couldn’t understand my bigger Self, then how on earth could I possibly ever expect to understand or love someone else? That somehow all this concentration on mySelf was the right thing to do in order to someday do what it was I was supposed to do for me and others. Whatever the hell that would be. I had to start with me first. Period. Make sense?

Figured if there were any bigger picture I would be fortunate enough to glean, then it would come at the right time. And, not until. And, maybe not until I passed over. You learn to accept that possibility.


In the meantime, I do watch the world around me and I’m just flabbergasted. The more I stay on my own little journey…road…walkway…stairway…I’m so tired of referring to my journey…the world seems so insane around me. Nothing makes sense. I remember an old Star Trek TV show where Whoopie Goldberg was the only one who sensed that there was something wrong about the reality of what was playing out before her. She knew it wasn’t real. It was a paradigm shift from the way things were supposed to be. A false world.

So it seems like we all come down to this god-forsaken little ball floating in space and act like we know everything under the sun and fight each other over every goddam little thing we can think of.  Me against you.  Us against them.  What the fuck?  What sense does any of that make?  It’s like we’re a bunch of tiny ants scurrying around until someone steps on us and we’re gone.  But, by golly, we’re gonna fight everyone else who doesn’t think the way we do.  For heaven’s sake.  So, not only did we come down here to, you know, get that job…apparently we came down here to be at odds with everyone else. What a fucking joke and waste of time.  Talk about missing the point. Talk about arrogance.  Talk about stupidity and ignorance.  By gosh, I think to myself, I’m on this oh-so-grand personal quest…you know, aren’t I special…and look at all the crap going on in the world. Darned if I wasn’t taking sides, too, though.

I mean seriously.

It’s the left.  It’s the right.
It’s the Muslims.  It’s the Christians.
It’s the Jews.  It’s the Christians.
It’s the atheists.  It’s the Christians.
It’s the believers.  It’s the non-believers.
It’s the holiday season.  It’s Christmas.
It’s the pagans.  It’s the righteous.
It’s the blacks.  It’s the whites.
It’s the meat eaters.  It’s the vegans.
It’s the scientists.  It’s the faithful.
It’s oil.  It’s solar.
It’s oil.  It’s wind.
It’s Jesus.  It’s Allah.
It’s the terrorists.  It’s the false flag.
It’s the gay people.  It’s the straight people.
It’s Fox.  It’s CNN.
It’s warmongers.  It’s peaceniks.
It’s the rich people.  It’s the poor people.
It’s the capitalists.  It’s the socialists.
It’s the givers.  It’s the takers.
It’s the unions.  It’s the companies.
It’s the schools.  It’s the charters.
It’s the abortionists.  It’s the anti-abortionists.
It’s the little guy.  It’s the big bullies.
It’s the smokers.  It’s the non-smokers.
It’s the drinkers.  It’s the non-drinkers.
It’s the healthy ones.  It’s the unhealthy ones.
It’s the taxes. It’s the deficits.
It’s regulation. It’s deregulation.
It’s kick ‘em out.  It’s let them stay.
It’s the weather.  It’s not the weather.
It’s the climate.  It’s not the climate.
It’s the Mexicans.  It’s the Arabs.
It’s the spenders.  It’s the savers.
It’s do this.  It’s do that.
It’s my solution.  It’s your solution.
It’s the lovers.  It’s the haters.
It’s the me against the you.
It’s God.  It’s the devil.
It’s the Christ.  It’s the anti-christ.

I mean, seriously. The Universe was created so we could take sides? On everything?

Hell, for heaven’s sake. Here I am just thrilled I’ve got food on my table and hoping against all odds I’m on some kind of positive direction in my life…trying to focus on a life of awareness and learning and forgiveness and understanding and blah blah blah…and every time I open the goddam newspaper I’m reminded that, uh, things are pretty much a mess down here. I mean, seriously. What the hell is going on? There’s that thing bugging me again: it just doesn’t make sense. But, I admit I get it. My own back and forth…my own good vs. evil thing playing out in my life…my head, actually…my own crap just seems to be reflected in what was going on in the world. The duality. The polarity. The one vs. the other. With me, with others in my life. I wondered if I should just divorce myself. It was weird, though, to look closely around me and see so much good, too…not at all what I saw in the news.

I actually use what I see out in the world to help me. Any time my ire was stirred up at some group or individual or policy or philosophy…I figured it must represent something I haven’t resolved for myself, right? So, if I’m angry and want to lash out at someone or something, I’d better pay attention to why I feel that way. Not easy to do, I admit…the acknowledge it, live it, release it process. Some of it took what seems like forever. Especially when, apparently, there are still so many people out there who just hate me at the core of their being…you know, because of the gay thing. Damn. Love those enemies, right? Gol dang…hardest damn thing to do.


Well, hell, I just turned off the news on my TV. It’s not allowed in my home. Of course, I’m the only one living in my home so that’s kinda funny…but I’ve got to follow my rules, right? No TV news. Well, unless there’s a storm approaching. Hell, even then you’ve got to take it all in with a grain of salt. And, mute the commercials. I swear, every other commercial is for drugs. Man, are we all that sick? And, buy this drug to help that drug work. Are you kidding? Oh, and you might die or end up horribly messed up if you take it…just wantcha’ ta know. Geesh.

I remember…well, let’s say I will never forget…the line from my high school journalism class that our professor, Kay Keefe, drummed into our heads. It was Marshall McCluhan who said, “The medium is the message.” TV was entertainment, so I figured even TV news must be, too.

I try to focus, instead, on what often seems like a resurgence of everything I thought I had already learned. Last few years, in particular, have been difficult to say the least. Parents’ illness and death. Family changes. Relationship challenges. Man, that’s a nice way to put it. Struggles. Friends. Money. Career. More roller coaster rides. Pretty much just more cycles, more learning…heavy duty learning…almost like a re-visit to things I thought I had solved. Or, accepted. More perspective shifts…deeper and deeper…just part of the process I figure. Lot of work. Internal work. Facing truths. Good lord. Just shakin’ my head. Oh well, I figure just wade through the muck. Keep going. Pretty close a few times to just giving up. But, somehow, for some reason I just keep going. Ehhh. Just more work. Keep doing your thing, I think. Try to understand. Another whole round of questioning what the hell I’m doing. Amost a complete new breakdown of my faith. Faith in what? How many personal challenges do I have to face? How can things be so bad down here? Why the hell did I come here, anyway? In fact, why would anybody even come here? How come I’m not rich and beautiful and at peace and walking around with a blissful smile all the time? Where’s that damn life partner, anyway? When did my hair turn white? Uhh…in fact, where did my hair go? Where did that decade go? I’m old now? Dang, I must not be a very good enlightened soul after all. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Where am I on the scale? Have absolutely no idea. Am I not proactive enough? Have I let go of too much in my life? Maybe I’m wrong about me. Maybe I’m wrong about everything. How come this is taking so much time? And, how come, oddly, I sleep perfectly even while going through new head trips? And still have full energy? What? Dichotomy? How come work and projects and everything else..all of it, going so strong? Maybe I’ll never understand love. Or god. Or God. Or people. Or the world. Or me. Okay. Okay. Mind says I’m an idiot. Constantly over-thinking. Heart says keep going. Can’t change the inner drive anymore…just have to keep going. Those were my terms. Now, it’s ingrained into my system. I’m weary. I admit it. Not wary. Just weary. Shoot. “Trust in God.”


Then, over thirty years into this, everything stops cold. It was the beginning of last summer. I was beat. I was overworked. I was tired of it all. Just completed about 18 months of intense project work. Non-stop.

But, everything just stops almost instantly. It slows down. Suddenly I have time. Time I never had before. Work, projects, leads, worry…all of it comes to a grinding halt. “Isn’t this weird,” I thought. What the hell. Go with the flow. Meant to be. Must be a reason. Maybe I just needed to re-energize. Maybe I needed a rest. Maybe I was lazy. Maybe it was part of the big picture. You learn to accept all that comes…so, maybe this was just part of it. But it all calms down.

All the internal work, all the challenges. Everything personal. Everything highly personal…and, again it all changes. Something is different. Something is new. I can’t put my finger on it, but I know something is going on with me. The timing. The circumstances. My attitude. Something inside has shifted. I slow down. I just start really going with the flow even more than ever. Of course, yes, wondering if I were actually just being irresponsible. It was hard to explain to myself let alone family and friends. So, I didn’t really say much. I just lived it out. Which is fine, I think. I’m either a fool or something is happening. Hell, I asked myself that question so many times in the past that I got over it pretty quickly.

So, now it seems like my journey—oh, there’s that damn word again—takes me out of myself to see what’s really going on in the world. Not just staying aware of what was happening around me…like all the previous years. But, actually searching for information. For some reason I’m given the time…with left over resources from the previous work…to explore a whole bunch of shit I just didn’t know about or hear about until then. I fire up the computer and I swear to god, it was ridiculous. Hours turned to afternoons which turned to days which turned to weeks and months of research and exploration and reading and watching and study that I’ve never known before. Well…it actually reminded me of being in college so long ago. It’s been ongoing for over ten months. A whole new world was opened up to me. I couldn’t get enough of it. One thing would lead to the next. Automatically. It was as if it were all being shown to me. The good the bad and the shit. Everywhere I turned. In the meantime, just enough work to keep me busy and fed. Just enough stimulation with family and friends to keep me from thinking I was nuts. And just enough of those coincidences that slapped me in the face. Especially about that ottoman—a story coming back into my life…18 years later…as if to say I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Big “coincidences” that, of course, weren’t just coincidences. It was realizing…confirming…that the synchronicity was at work the entire time. Okay, I think. I guess I’m supposed to learn all this shit. I guess I’m supposed to take the time to expand my awareness of the world around me. It was like shifting the internal focus to an outward focus.

Duh! Oh, is this phase what I heard about so many years ago? Is this just part of the process of my own awakening? I guess so. I guess it is! Holy crap. I read stuff about it…that when you’re ready it’ll happen. Of course, having no idea what “it” was. I try to convince myself that that was it. That somehow, my own personal journey is now expanding to seeing and understanding my place in the world…because it was time for me to shift my attention. That’s sort of the gist of what “others” had written. I was really surprised to be honest with you. Because, heck, I had pretty much resigned myself to trudging through another thirty years, you know, living on miracles. A nice quiet life tucked away in my cave looking out on the world. Trying not to get all caught up in it. Dang it. Or, was I just so tired of all of the work…just tired of it all…and turning into a hibernated, repressed nut-case hooked on a delusion. You know…poor guy couldn’t find himself, let alone God…so, why not just shut the door and get hooked on the internet. Oh no! I’ve heard about this. Am I one of those people?

Fine. Whatever. I delve anyway. Right or wrong. Good or bad. It was what was happening. I was driven. And, one thing I learned all these years was to follow that drive. Live it. Go for it.

It’s been a bit unnerving, however. And, I’m not sure I like it. All this information. All this news. All this stuff. Man, I had a hard time with some of the revelations, disclosures, realizations. I did NOT like finding out some of this crap. Made me mad. Made me excited. Made me cry. Made me happy.


Aliens. Humans. Guinea Pigs. Humanity. Slaves. Energy suckers. Dark cabals running the earth. Genetic manipulation going back how long? From the self-serving bad-guy aliens no less? The wrong god? Well, yeah, I suspected that all along. But, the demiurge? It’s real? The “wrong paradigm” is actually in place? Where’s Whoopie? The church was set up how and by whom? Blah blah blah. Oh, I’ve read about a ton of this through the years…but since it is only outside information, it was only helpful if it helped me on my own road. Now, with such intense exploration, it was really hitting home. It was confirming my own suspicions of many many years ago. It was everywhere I looked. Damn thing is, a lot of it made a lot of sense. This veil of unknowingness over us…the not knowing anything about who we really are…just a bunch of humans thinking in our little short-lived lives on this earth that we are somehow the only living things in the entire ginormous universe? Wait. Wasn’t that the same stuff that motivated me in the beginning? Why, of course it was. But, the bad god thing was a big one. And, I’m not talking about that Satan guy so many seem to be obsessed about. Yes…I knew I had already transposed my taught version of God into a much bigger concept…you know..like, duh, the Universe. And, wait. The allegory. So “Eve” supposedly caused all this bad mojo by eating an apple from the tree of knowledge of good and bad? What? Sounds like she did the right thing, actually. If she hadn’t, maybe we would have all been walking around in even more blinded version of nirvana never realizing we were living in a hologram of a false utopia. Or was the whole thing a set up to create fear. Maybe all of it is a horrifying misinterpretation of what we’re doing here in the first place. Damn. If we only had listened more carefully to the Christed one. We screwed that up, too. Bad.

The manipulation thing can make you sick to your stomach. Who were these Anunnaki aliens, anyway? Ahhh. The Dark Ones. The negative ones. Well, shit.


Atlantis. Forced re-incarnation. Life on other planets. Life before us. Ancient civilizations. Gods. Myths. Always some truth to those myths, ya know? Of course. History that we just don’t know about our beginnings. Hundreds of thousands of years. Millions of years. Well, of course. We can only dig up so much, ya know? Apparently there have been thriving civilizations here that were a hell of a lot more connected to the Universe than we ever thought of being. But, where did they go and why? How many times were we wiped out from the face of the earth? Hmmm. Those damn bad aliens again. Or that demiurge energy. Or, maybe the damn bad aliens represented the demiurge negative energy. Ewww. The last couple of thousand years since our calendars changed to reflect a visit by some major dude is just that whisper of time again. Hell. Think about it. Just in the last few hundred years, supposedly we discovered all this technology…we just surged in growth from the dark ages because we’re all so smart? Jesus Christ, we just got toilets in the late nineteenth century for heaven’s sake…and now we’re but a moment away from pushing the button that destroys everything as we rape and pillage the earth. And, each other. What were we wiping our asses with before toilet paper was invented in 1857, anyway? Blink. 159 years later we’re on the brink? Aren’t we smart.

Then, there’re the good guys…the light ones…the helpers. The angels. The good aliens. The galactic friends. Family. Here to help because apparently we…and our earth…have a starring role in the Universe. So our little planet is important after all? We’re a key player…a star in the movie? Messages from angels? I mean, extra-terrestrials? What? But why do some of them sound like they’re no more spiritual than the guy next door? Hmm. Maybe we on earth are actually the courageous ones because we sucked it up and decided we can handle this shit that no one else can. Or were we lied to then, too? Then there’s the cosmic science energy behind the whole damn thing. The geometry. The fractals. The strings. The harmonics. Physics. Quantum energy. Portals. Magnetic energies. Waves. Frequencies. Wait. Are you talking about my radio again? Hidden radio waves I can’t see but believe in? The threads? The hidden unifying piece of energy that unites us all. Oh, Lord. Notice I capitalized the L. But, dang if some of this information isn’t purely logical. Or, sounds logical. Of course there’s a whole bunch of stuff we don’t know about. Duh. Okay. Okay. So, maybe my own little journey has something to do with this? What do you mean I wasn’t the only one on my own little stumble-and-fumble pathway to the light and love and God perfection. Uhhh. What do you mean I’m not the only one who doesn’t believe in a big-ass dude sitting in a chair floating in the clouds but instead, I reference The GodSource…The Force…yes, right out of the movie…as my term for something so grand and mysterious that I can’t explain it any other way.

So, dang. Edgar Cayce was right? “Thoughts are things.” Always liked that guy. And, the New Age isn’t what the media has told (or not told) us? And, there’s a fake new age—lower case—versus a real understanding of what’s happening? There are things available to us that are being kept from us on purpose? Read Nikola Tesla. There’s free energy? Space portals are real? Other dimensions? Many other dimensions? There are cures for diseases that have been kept from us? Some diseases were introduced on purpose? We have our own spaceships that no one knows about? We’re doing the genetic engineering now? Hybrids? Cloning? Beyond what we’ve seen in the papers? Or those bad dudes who run the cabal are doing it? Dominionism. Imperialism. Evil empires. Money manipulation. Mind manipulation. Power. War. Greed, malice. Well, those two: duh. Secret societies. The mass media is part of the problem? Ewww. Good thing I don’t watch the news, right? Oh, holy shit.


Then, of course, there’s Planet X, Niburu. The bad guys coming to get us…don’t get on their ships. Or, the good guys coming to help us through change. Go ahead and beam me up. Yeah. Spirit guides. The Andromedans. The Pleiadians. The Arcturians. Agartha. The archangels. The archons. The Dracos. The Reptilians. What? Yup. You read that right. Those ultimate bad guys, the Anunnaki…the darkest ones of all who created us in the first place eons ago…and are still running the show behind the scenes and we’re all just dupes, prisoners. Ahhh. No wonder there’s mayhem and madness and death and destruction. Follow the money! It IS all about the job and the money and the power and the me against you after all! And, the church? Oh, my. Oh, my. All three of the Abrahamic religions are a ruse? Mind control. Well, I kinda came to that conclusion, uh, like at the beginning of my own journey come to think of it.

Jesus will return and save us all. No one is returning..it’s up to us. The anti-christ is here. No he’s not, he’ll be here soon. Damn. Oh, it’s just a projected hologram on the clouds. Or, of course, that Jesus will only save the select few. Funny how so many of the programmed don’t talk about the Christ or the mystery of Golgotha. They talk about Jesus the man. I never got that. If people only realized they created the anti-christ right here right now by their group mind believing the wrong set of rules, the wrong god if you will, the wrong paradigm. They have become their own anti-christ. Their own self-fulfilling prophecy. Of doom. For them it fits their paradigm.

And, now, it’s even the “Oh, it’s psych ops” and the holograms and it’s mind games and it’s power and the dark will fight to the end. Or, it’s love and light and everything is peachy keen. Again. Jesus Christ. Dang it all. So, you mean all those movies that portray aliens as the bad guys coming down to destroy us are actually meant to sway our opinion of our galactic friends? Maybe every so often one of those movies gets a little closer to the truth than we realize, though? Like Star Wars? The Force? Our own power? Who’s behind these messages? Which ones are right? Which ones are planted? Which story is closer to the truth than the others? I tell ya, it’s like trying to find out who’s behind the wars and the military/industrial/corporate/banker complex. Follow that money, they say. Shit. A lot easier than it sounds. I tell ya, it’s all very confounding. I guess all I had to do was watch the premier episode of the new X-Files. Ahh. There’s disclosure for ya.

So, prophecies and predictions abound. From every angle. “Ascension” to the higher levels is the driving subject. All being aided, now, with the planetary and galactic line up…light flooding our way to help us along our path. Gamma rays. Photons. 3D. 5D. Earth changes. Earth ascension. Mother Gaia. Higher planes of existence. All so we can finally realize the truth. About us. And about who’s controlling us. And, mind you, not ascension to heaven. Just ascension to enlightenment while we’re still in our three-dimensional earth bodies. Dimensions of light and sound. Sounds a little like The Twilight Zone if you ask me. Where’s Rod Serling when you need him.


Channel this channel that. Proclaim this proclaim that. There is a ton of that crap out there. Oh, I suspect a little bit of it might be love-generated and perhaps true in its message. But it’s all based on the paradigm of the individual who’s channeling or communicating anyway. Their own cultural and environmental circumstances that alter their perceptions. My view of my world is based on strict religious control during my youth. Others don’t even have any religion in their background so they don’t even know what faith is. Faith and trust. Faith and trust. Well, what if your faith is in the wrong thing. What if you’re trusting the wrong god. The wrong spirit. The wrong leader. The wrong messenger. Jesus. Christ. Almighty. Gotta say, though…every so often I’ve come across a message that seriously made sense. Reminding us that we’re human. Reminding us to forgive ourselves. Reminding us to work at learning how to love and give ourselves a break. Very clear. Not angry or demanding or negative.

Most of it is nonsense…no awareness of truth at all. Just who is speaking through someone else, anyway? Ewww. Some of the so-called positive messages seem to be very well-disguised falsehoods. Oh, I gave up worrying about it at some point…thinking, what the hell, I guess that’s what that person needs to do in his or her life.

But, lovey-dovey directives about how to live, how to love, how to become enlightened from the angels? Or the “others” who live in our Universe? So much of it can be a crock of shit. “Oh, you chose to come here…” Yeah…to get buried in the muck of physical life? Anyone who hasn’t been here pretty much has no right to direct any of it…because they do NOT know how dense it really is for heaven’s sake. Fuck. Trapped in these human bodies. What the hell is someone to make of all of this shit? Oh, there are some really good…no, great…people communicating some really great stuff, don’t get me wrong. Helpers. Clearly. Some brave souls, too, who are leading the way journalistically…digging deeper into the political/military/corporate mindset, history and quagmire…some who are digging even deeper into the propaganda and lies that have been told to mankind concerning life here…as well as in our Universe. People who have dedicated their lives to helping mankind find out the truth. Some. Many, I suppose, have died for it.


And, the scientific approach to enlightenment? I don’t get it. Practice it? I don’t get it. My own paradigm is based on trust. Practice has been taught to me through life lessons. If the Universe is so fucking huge and powerful…if the real Force is so loving and wonderful…it should be so loving and wonderful that trusting in the big picture alone will get you to where you need to be. Direct link. It will teach you and guide you. “It” of course being the super powerful Force of Love. Love yourself first and then you can finally love others. Oh my god, isn’t that what I was talking about in the first place…way back at the beginning of my own path? Tough call I’d say. And, how many souls have actually been able to do it? To transcend? Ascend? Self-actualize? A hundred? One? A thousand? Millions? And, now it’s just going to happen automatically as the earth is flooded with the good light, the good energy from the galactic line-up…just be sure to meditate and take a deep breath and repeat after me! It’s that easy? Open those chakras! Alchemy! Magic! The third eye! Psychic powers! Don’t research anything about it…just follow our steps! The light will help you! Kundalini! Get it fired up! You can have the power! You are the power! I didn’t know all you had to do was follow a manual. Sounds like The Course In Miracles. It’s the same damn stuff that appeared years ago when the supposed New Age began. It’s probably been going on forever and ever. Boy, though…I think you gotta be careful with this stuff. If the Force is neutral…isn’t it the same power being tapped into by the dark ones…the negative use of the same power? Isn’t that what Hitler did…hypnotizing the masses? Use it for good or bad. Your choice. Hmmm. Duality? Or neutrality used incorrectly. Negative use versus positive use? Or is it a natural expression? Wait. I thought I just read about those Annanuki guys working in concert with the demiurge energy to create us in the first place. Did they create the chakras, too? Is it, too, a deception? And, who can you trust? Even the archons and archangels are products of the demiurge? Ugh!

It sure hasn’t been a cake walk for me. Guess that’s just my choice, ay? That simple. I guess everyone has to try their own way. My experience is mine. Yours is yours. That’s fine.


There are even numbers! I don’t even remember where I read this, but how did someone, anyone…even come up with this?

233 billion will apparently see the light. And together we will create the new earth full of love and compassion and acceptance and creativity and spiritual abundance. I like that I said “we” because, you know, if this is coming down, I sure would rather be in this group than…

…the apparent 350 billion that will go to other planets. What? Think they’ll remember? Think someone will tell them they’re waking up in a new world? Or, will their own veil still be operational. Wonder if they’ll go in the starships. Or is this the rapture they talk about. Go figure. Wouldn’t it be interesting if the rapture was for those who just couldn’t get enlightened. Couldn’t love or forgive. Stuck in their programming worshipping the wrong god. They think they’re being swooped up to heaven and then they wake up in another dimension having to go through the same shit as always. Hmm.

Oh, and then there’s the 117 billion that are going to die. Huh? Are they going to the fake heaven or the real heaven? Or, maybe the fake hell that’s created by their beliefs. All at once? Or, over the next ten or twenty years that this is all supposed to come down?

Or, the cabal and their bad alien friends are going to bring us all down…get rid of all of us but keep some remaining slaves to clean up after them. Nice. “Too many people on earth” for their liking.

So, we’re all in prison on earth. Our fear energy feeds the bad guys. We have soul contracts. Soul contracts for this mess? Excuse me? Sorry…going to break that one right now. Who forced me to sign, anyway? I want his name! Man alive. Well, or dead, I guess. Jeepers creepers. More death and destruction. Meh. We’re used to it, right?

Fear and more fear. Everywhere I looked. Geesh.


Oh, holy shit.

“Hi, family. Hi, friends. No need to panic, but guess what….”


And I found so many directives to love. Unconditional love. There’s a misunderstood word if I ever heard one. Love. There’s so much it means. So much to it. So much mystery. So much work. So much wonder. For me, it does not mean to be all fairy-tale-pretty-glowing-angel-wings. Love. Shit. Guess what. There are assholes on the earth. They exist. I don’t want them around me. They piss me off. They cause trouble. They drain my fucking energy like a Hoover. I’ll love you by facing the fact: you are an asshole and it’s okay for you to be an asshole. I can’t change that. The difference in judgment and fact: I think judgment implies that you can’t face facts. But, the fact is you’re still an asshole. Just leave me alone. Apparently there are assholes all over the galactic system. Love them? By letting them go. “You’re still an asshole. Stay in your own galaxy, thank you very much.” Apparently you can still be an asshole even if the veil of secrecy hasn’t been put over you. Hell, the only way I even know about assholes, is I’m an asshole, too. Sometimes, anyway. If I could just work at it…you know, be only 49 percent asshole and 51 percent good guy…at least I could work at tipping the scale. My scale.

You know. When “they” use words like love and trust but don’t define what those fucking words mean…then it isn’t fucking real to me. That’s part of the mess we’re in. Everyone has their own idea of what those words mean in the first place. Guess what. The guy who sets out to be a millionaire because that’s all he was trained to do from the day he was born…make money, raise the kids, educate them so they don’t have to shop at Walmart…is he a dark one? Misguided because he put money as his number one goal? Or is he just doing the best he can? We can’t tell what’s in his heart. It’s not our business.

The guy who sets out to be a priest but has his guaranteed meal every day of his life…what about him? Is he any more special than the millionaire who works his ass off to provide for his family? Hell, some people who seem to have faith and trust are the ones on the street. They don’t know where their fucking next morsel of bread is coming from yet they go about life somehow knowing it’s going to be there. How the hell do they do that, I ask you.

How about that guy who tells me I’m going to hell because I like men? He’s just doing what his momma and religion told him to do. He thinks he’s right. Now, I think he’s a dick because he has no right to tell me how I should live my life and he bought into the programming. The rub? He thinks I’m a dick because I don’t have any right to question his beliefs.

If the dark ones kill others, are we supposed to kill them? Or are we supposed to understand that their soul is so messed up…so far gone…that they need our prayers instead?

Now, there’s a catch-22 circle of endless discussion. Don’t go on a “comments section” with that one. The religious people will go crazy.


And so it goes. Everyone has their opinion. Everyone has their own feelings about change. One big circle of thought. What if that’s all the Universe is in the first place. Hmmm. Everyone has their own interpretation of the times. Of the ways to find ourselves. Of the steps to understanding. I got mine. You got yours. So, there will be a hodgepodge of crap…just like life is already…just like it apparently is out there in the Universe, too. What’s that line? As above, so below. Something like that. Hell, what if all of it is just a Star Trek hologram and none of it really exists. It’s all in our heads.


All this shit is out there. So much to figure out. So much to absorb. Yet, absolutely not one actual “event” has yet come to pass in a big way that anyone has noticed. Not one prediction. Not one prophecy. Not one shred of evidence other than a lot more information coming our way. Oh, a lot of people claiming that it all will happen yesterday, today and tomorrow. From their perspective, of course. But, definitely a lot more truth about what’s happening, who’s in charge, how money rules. A lot more sharing. A lot more hidden news. A lot more analysis and introspection about war. And, failure. Almost like it’s coming out in phases…so we don’t blow everyone away with a giant paradigm shift that sends us all to the looney bin. For that, if the angels…or, whoever the hell they are…are helping, I’m glad. Ultimately, we’re the ones here, though. We’re the ones who have to do the work. It’s the only way. Oh, the nice little computer has helped us learn some nasty shit has been going on. Lots of data breeches. Lots of information. Lots of hidden truths. Lots of nasty greed and spying and money mongers. But now in our inimitable manner…there’s so much information that it’s fucking clogging the computer light waves.

We’ve got what, 7 billion people on earth which means we’ve got 7 billion versions of god and truth and the light and the dark and love and hate and happiness and sadness. Collective consciousness my ass. Not quite yet. There are 7 billion consciousnesses. Is that a word? 7 billion gods. Or interpretations of God. Sway them this way sway them that way…ohhhh…then we got da power. Hmm. The religions did a pretty good job of screwing that up for a whole bunch of them. Get enough of us together (I think they call that prayer) and we can change the paradigm. Use the energy! Well, as long as you don’t send that tornado over to my town just to save yours, that is. Oh, for heaven’s sake. We’d better be thoughtful in our attempts to explore the power of this collective consciousness energy.

In the meantime, selfishness rules. All you gotta do is take a ride down the expressway to understand that. It’s a wonder we all haven’t killed ourselves already. Darting in front of each other and riding our asses and running the lights because our lives are so much more important than everyone else’s. Thank god for the guy who lets us in the lane.

Which gets to the point that so often it seems like so many people just don’t know what they’re doing…completely unaware…and it’s not necessarily their fault. That’s the rub. If they’ve all been taught to drive a certain way by their parents and their parents before them…then how on earth can a person be blamed for being a dick behind the wheel. The blind leading the blind. Sleepers. That swarm in the sky. That school of fish in the ocean. The sheeple. More interested in diversion than what might be happening right in front of their eyes.


Dang thing is…it’s all the same. Every bit of it. All having to do with our experience of duality. Or polarity. Our spiritual reality vs. our human reality. Separation. The very thing so many of the messages, documentaries, historical analyses, galactic groups are all saying—polarity, duality and separation supposedly do not really exist except in our heads—that we are all one—is in fact a part of most of the information I read and watch and study. That we can become enlightened if we forgo the understanding of duality and separation. Realize we are a part of God…first…and a human second. I get that. Hell, that’s what I’ve been trying to understand and feel all these years, right? That God is inside of us. God is us. We are God. There’s that unpublished scripture again. But, we’re just a part of God. It’s a tough concept to grasp, I know. But, we’re all a spark…of the same thing. So, essentially, the whole idea of duality is a misconception that led to this mess in the first place. We were fooled and a veil was put over us and we just forgot. Logical.

So, oneness is talked about, yet we fight on earth…ruled by the dark ones. Light ones fight for enlightenment. They fight in the skies. Dark ones vs. the light ones. The soul struggles with it. Spirit vs. the flesh. Who set up these goddamn rules anyway? It’s always a fight? It’s always one against the other? That list again? Even on the “other side” or in other dimensions where everyone is supposed to already be enlightened? So, they don’t have the veil of unknowingness over them but they still have good and bad beings to argue with each other? Galaxies to fight over? Actual star wars? Well, hell. There’s an irony developing here.

All I know is I had to go through shit to grow and evolve…even to get to the point that I sense something going on that’s bigger. I always imagined if I had to experience some huge crap in order to grow and move on…what if the collective had to go through the same thing. You know. We call it the “wake up call.” You all have experienced it through life’s horrendous ups and downs. With yourselves. With your loved ones. So, you know how you somehow grow and get calmer and get wiser about your choices as you naturally experience the ups and downs in life. Well, it appears that as a group a lot of people are going to hear the alarm bells…and they’re going to wake up as if from a bad dream. Get the fucking popcorn. And an ice cold coke with real sugar so I can sit back and watch the show. Before it gets cancelled, anyway.


It can be disheartening. Honestly. Trying to figure out what is true and what isn’t…I’m shakin’ my head again. So many conflicting versions of the same stories. So many interpretations of the information. So many opinions.

But, something is going on. Something big, apparently. You can just sense it. Crazy politics. Crazy wars. Crazy crap everywhere we turn. Hatred. Vitriol. Cruelty. Condemnation. Extremism. Fear. Poverty. Starvation. Nonsense. Stupidity. Conspiracies. False flags. Corruption. Dominions. Imperialism. Oh, yeah…just a lot of what we’ve been doing for eons, of course. It’s that list of us against them all over again. I wonder if it has just all been the same all along. But, now it seems different. Maybe because it’s the same for so long we’re coming to a new place. Somehow things seem to be coming to a head. Like, fear is growing exponentially. Of course, a huge one is that we can blow ourselves up…you know, the whole world gone in an instant thing hanging over our heads. Duck and cover! Duck and cover! That’s new. Well, from WWII anyway. Now it seems like it’s in our face. We have so many more sources available to us to find out what’s really going on…especially because of the net. You’ve got to take a ton of it in in order to separate fact from fiction…disinformation…emotion from reality. Thoughtfulness and discussion versus doomsday scenarios. But, in general, it seems like a lot of people seem to be getting really tired of it all. The crap. Good Lord. This gorgeous earth is ours for some reason and we sure seem to be doing our best to screw it up. But, as much fear and nonsense seems to be growing, there is also a brilliant sense of awareness that is happening at the same time…or because of it. Hmm. There’s that synchronicity again.

Something is shifting. Something balancing out.

Everyone seems to be reacting to this unknown shift in his own way. Socio-political-economic factors. Where you live on the globe. Revelations and disclosures…some seem real…some seem based in emotion and wishful thinking. Religious people caught in their own interpretation, of course, of the end times. Information dumps. Everyone seems to be interpreting “the times” according to their own paradigm. Which of course, really screws things up because you can get a whole lot of people believing even more lies based on their programming and indoctrination. What if it’s the “beginning times” and we’re just going to say goodbye to the false way of living? A natural order of things.

There’s that thing again: weeding out the chaff. Trying to really listen, read, think…to develop some instinct of what is real…what is emotional…what is based on programming…what lies are told. Especially by those who believe in themselves and don’t know they’ve been hoodwinked all along.
And, it always leads back to my own self-actualization or spiritual journey. Absolutely none of it really matters. But, how to work with the divergent information. How to discern. How to figure out any of it…determine what’s real, what’s true. One minute they’re coming to get us. The next the angels are here. What? Good angels or bad angels? One minute the earth will go under tremendous stress and change. The next, oh, no, she won’t go too crazy. Only a pole shift. A fucking pole shift? Uh. That sounds pretty big to me.

Jesus Christ. I kept thinking “Maybe I should just get a regular job. Move to a trailer in the country and just not pay attention.” You know, do my own thing. I think that’s called escapism. Funny. “Guy on his grand journey escapes back into the rut because it was actually easier all along.”

I tell you, though…some of the best information online isn’t necessarily under the guise of spiritual enlightenment or advancement, either. It isn’t the messages or the supposed light workers or the channeling or the groups or the teachers. They all have their place. But, it’s the shared stories of growth I like best. It’s the help offered to individuals trying to break free from a narcissistic and co-dependent relationship. It’s the people showing us how to exercise. How to break bad habits. How to cook right. How to eat right. How to laugh. It’s the alternative news sources digging deeper. The brave, driven investigative reporters. It’s the historical documentaries exploring new truths…a new point of view. It’s the revelation of secrets and hidden information. It’s the expansion of thought. Stories of survival and courage. Smart people building energy devices in their basements. Down-to-earth versions of spiritual guidance and surrender. Stories of relationships. People sharing stories of laughter and heart-felt battles of courage and healing. Sharing their talents. Creating music and dance and beauty. All reflections of our own self…our dreams, our hopes, our failures and successes. There are so many hopeful loving people hidden in the myriad pages of an internet search.


Funny thing is, it’s the wonderful regular loving people who don’t have a clue as to any of it who are going to be just fine. They just live their lives. Do their thing. Love their family and friends. Do the best they can. They are motivated by love and self-fulfillment, compassion, giving of themselves and hope and perseverance….faith whether they know it or not. Regardless of labels. And, they’re all going to be fine without even thinking about it. They don’t judge. They don’t worry about labels. They’re not aware that they are aware.

For me, being conscious of consciousness has been a struggle. Aware of awareness. It poses that challenge of being very careful during the process. You know that thing we talk about in earth terms…goals…”don’t make your goal happiness…because you’ll never find it. Make your goal love and maybe happiness will be the result.” It’s like when you give up looking for a lover and your lover shows up. “We’re trying to get pregnant” and you never do until you give up trying. You learn to be careful in your attempts at reaching what you think should be your goal. Damn thing is, when you set out with that directive, “Seek first the kingdom…”—you have absolutely no idea what the kingdom is!

And, frankly, none of it makes any difference. It’s just our own journey or road or whatever the hell we want to call it…in the first place. That’s all it is. That’s all it ever was. The individual soul’s journey back home. Regardless of “we’re all one”…we’re all individuals, too, for crying out loud. Our own spark. Or fractal or whatever the hell Metatron would call it. Oh, he’s apparently a good cosmic archangel you probably never heard about. Or, of course, a bad one depending upon who you read. Anyway, for those who honestly just do the best they can without malice in their heart or thoughts, everything is fine. Probably want to give up some of the drama of the earth realm…focus on love. But, I know that’s often the hardest challenge we can make when we’re worried about what to put on the table, right?

In the meantime, apparently all this crap is going to come down one way or the other. Regardless of what we do. Change! Oh, baby, it’s-a-commin! Get ready! Look to the skies! Feel the earth! See the sun!

“Danger danger, Will Robinson!” Propaganda. Mind control. Numbing of the masses. Light coming from the universe. Dark coming from within. Accept it. Fight it. Let it be. Get your guard up. Whatever. The religious ones will self-materialize their own version of prophecy. The crazy dark ones will do the same. The “it’s all light and love” naive crowd will probably manifest some fairy god in the end anyway. Jesus Christ.


I write “You are here” —marked by an arrow—on my year-to-year listing of my life…like looking at a map, only using a column of numbers…but, I certainly did not anticipate this little fork in the road. Well, pretty big fork, I think. This exploration of information. This eye-opening, eye-popping experience of learning a lot of stuff that I simply hadn’t been exposed to before. But, ya know…Dorothy stood there when the yellow brick road split. You know what? I think she would’ve ended up in Oz no matter which road she took. Maybe she could have avoided those nasty flying monkeys if she had gone the other way. Or, maybe it would’ve been flying aliens and might have been worse. What if she didn’t listen to the scarecrow?

Good aliens. Bad aliens. Good people bad people. People who think they’re good and they’re really just caught up in a fucking blind naive little world they were programmed to believe. Bad people who don’t even know they’re bad because of their own fucking programming. And, then, apparently, the bad ones who know they are the bad ones. All part of the plan. Who the hell knows. Just has to play out. I remember Southpark did an episode where the kids found out earth was just a reality show and was about to get cancelled. Let’s hope that’s not real.

“The light is going to win” this time. Oh, it’s a war? Sounds pretty earthy to me. “The light already won”…well, then…what difference does any of it make. You know…this is all pretty stupid a lot of the time. If it’s all going to play out a certain way…then, for heaven’s sake, get on with it. Here’s the thing. Is it because of that annoying fact I mentioned that we can blow ourselves up now? We’ve done a damn good job of messing things up, that’s for sure. Bunch of stupid idiots we are. Intervention by our galactic friends? Well, why didn’t they intervene before 75 million people died in WWII? Can’t intervene now because, gosh, gotta let you all figure it out? Well, apparently we were intervened with a long time ago according to the stories…isn’t it time we at least get the truth? Somehow, if genetic manipulation eons ago really occurred, that meant that a game was started that led to this mess. “All part of the plan.” Well, I’m not sure I understand that to be honest with you. If “the light” is going to prevail then why was the game allowed to start in the first place? I swear this is like watching War Games…the movie. Stalemate. The big computer finally got it. The solution was not to play the game. Maybe that’s all it’s about. We’re finally going to get it and quit playing this unwinnable game of tic-tac-toe.


There was something missing, though, in a lot of it. I seems like not many are talking about Co-Creation. Not many talk about trust. Not a lot of recognition about the intrinsic mystery and beauty of it all…a lot of predictions and guidelines and rules and suggestions and angry opinions and dire predictions…and this almost sophomoric…no…infantile…approach to the whole damn thing. Ahhh…weed ‘em out!

Well shit. And, a lot of others say, “There’s no rescue!” “There’s no savior!” “Do it on your own!” Well, you do have to start trusting your own instincts, of course. Trusting your own feelings. Allowing them. Living them. Of course.

But, there IS rescue. No one seems to get that. It’s Co-Created rescue. It’s trusting that if honest-to-god there is a Force of Love bigger and more mysterious than any of us can even possibly fathom…and somehow you can be calm enough to tap into it…the real thing…then, you don’t individually create your rescue of yourself by any specific action you take…thinking that action is the answer or the right thing to do. You simply place yourself literally at the mercy and grace of the power…the Universe…the real God…Love…the Force…and between your individual soul’s decisions and actions and non-actions during your life…somehow the big energy supports you and provides all you need. In earthly terms…and in spiritual terms. There are no tricks to this or rules—but to face yourself and trust. There is no need to preach or to defend some deity or rule or mindset of beliefs or to condemn. Especially yourself, let alone others. And, of course, if you condemn someone else, you are condemning yourself anyway. Something about the ability to see fault in someone else….only being possible because deep down, you see it in yourself. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have any idea of what it was. Mind you…for me, life has been a fucking mind-numbing ego-shattering life-threatening paradigm-blasting soul-shattering earthly experience…with little reprieves every so often…followed by another round and cycle of learning and painful growth. Decades of it for crying out loud. Yeah. It’s been fun. But, it has proven itself. Time and time again. So much so it doesn’t seem unusual at all anymore. And, it’s the coolest damn thing. Well, I can say that now.


It’s like this. So, you decide to go to the grocery store. Oops. You forgot your keys. You have to run back into the house to find them. The goddam phone rings. You get upset because you’re running out of time. You decide to take a different route…cut through the neighborhood. Seems everyone has had an experience like this. Then, at the store, you run into an old friend that you haven’t seen in ages. You literally bump into them as you round the aisle. You share stories and have a wonderful moment and, oh, find out something important that you didn’t know. Okay, no big miracle here. But it is a miracle. A coincidence that would not have happened any other way. How on earth did you “just run into that person”…did you do it all by yourself? Was it your inner guidance, instinct…that knew your friend would be there? But, wouldn’t every single minute of your friend’s decisions that day also put him or her right there at that exact moment? Wouldn’t the traffic light timing and the slow car in front of you have something to do with it, too? So, you made your own decisions. Your friend made his. And, somehow you were brought together. Now, that means your decisions and circumstances were important to the timing of that meeting. And, so were his. To me? That’s Co-Creation. Something way bigger than just our individual energies somehow guiding us to that moment. There’s a connection in the energies. Oh, and guess what. Later that night when you’re not even thinking about it, you find out there was a big accident and a huge traffic delay on your typical route to the store.

So, it’s all about trusting, right? Going with the flow and honest-to-god believing that everything is the way it’s supposed to be. The little things and the big things. Well, I’ll say it again. You start by trusting your instinct. Your decisions. Your intuition. Your feelings. Letting go. Not trying to be all in control. Just take a deep breath and see the world in and around you.

One little snag. When you start realizing all of this stuff, you can go a bit nutso. When you become aware, you sometimes start questioning every little thing that you decide…every single thing you do or that happens…you try to interpret and project. Ahhh, maybe it’s just part of my scenario. Sometimes these things are big. Career decisions. Or, real life-changing events. Asserting yourself and claiming your power by changing who you are with in life. Other times, they are as simple as a trip to the store. Many times, we’re brought to what seems like a miraculous place…a new freedom…only to discover we have to go through another round of shit. “Wait. What? I’ve got to learn another lesson?” Sometimes it can lead to paralysis in decision making. “What if” games. In other words, it’s not all a bed of roses. This process of awareness. In the meantime, you seem to be face-to-face with hard truths of who you are—those lessons. Oddly, synchronicity can sometimes be so “in your face” that you think you’re all connected to God…which you are…but the work that goes with that also shows up requiring you to face those hard truths—so, at the same time you think you’re not connected.

Just keep your perspective. Never give up. Blah blah blah. Good lord. Go down into the depths and think you’re never ever going to get out of it…never ever going to see the light…never ever going to claw your way back up from the fucking Olivia De Havilland snake pit of life. The Snake Pit is an awesome movie, by the way. Step by step. Micro-step by micro-step. Your hands will bleed as they try to grasp the slippery yet jagged side wall of that pit to inch your way out up and out of it. With the snakes snipping at your butt. While everyone else thinks you’re crazy. And, you begin to think you’re crazy, too. And, just deluded yourself into some namby-pamby version of reality. Lessons, lessons, lessons. Jesus, will we ever get out of school.

Yeah…to me, sometimes it begs the question—why did the loving Force set it up this way in the fucking first place, huh? Or is it really true that it was set up by the demiurge. “Go find out everything and get back to me.” Sounds pretty ego driven if you ask me. “I want to know and experience everything.” “Worship me!” Well…dude…I guess we’re just your minions, then, aren’t we? Why didn’t you know all this crap in the first place?

That’s another universe story, apparently. Maybe our universe is just a sub universe of a much bigger set-up in the first place. Maybe our whole universe has been taken over by the demiurge. The really big one…the Universe with a capital U…the Force…is shaking his head thinking, “Oh, crap…gotta let the kid learn his own lessons I guess…” “Next time I let him go play with his own universe…I think I’ll set up some guidelines first.” “Should’ve taught him not to play with fire.”

Fercrisesake. Well, hell. We can only do what we can do. And, hope for the best. I still like my choice: to trust. In the Universe.


If any of the “The light is coming! The light is coming” talk is true…then, thank goodness we will at least have some support in learning the truth about our beginnings, our place in the world and universe, and maybe a better understanding of our true purpose of being here.

So the masses who don’t get it…who worship the wrong god…because of the dark ones who set up the rules of control…blindly go about their apocryphal talk. The money people push the paper and push the buttons and try to protect themselves and make a buck for the times ahead…economic disaster. The big guys keep pushing for war and destruction to keep the coffers full. The rich ones build the bunkers so they can come out later to inherit…well…what? A big mess? Then we’ve got a whole bunch of souls telling us, “Well, I’m not trying to spread fear, but holy crap…the dark ones have a lot of power and sure aren’t going out without a fight.” Yeah, no fear in that one. And, then namby-pamby ones are greeting us as “Dear Beloveds” and “Gosh, Earth Angels…we’re here…” and for cryin’ out loud acting like “Don’t worry, it’s all gonna be fine…” Sometimes, they just don’t realize that to get to “fine part” you might have to go through some shit first. Who are those people anyway? Most of them sound like they have absolutely no clue about anything. We are still human. Let me say that again. We are still human. Oh, for heaven’s sake. You know…I’ve been living in the Dark Night experience for so goddam long that honest-to-god…I just don’t give a shit any more. What’s gonna happen is what’s gonna happen.

Yeah, well, guess what. I think I’ll eat steak as we go down on our way back up. There’s some god given self-love, ay? Who the hell knows what the next step…the next event…the next whatever…is, anyway. No one. I never knew what was next and somehow through all this shit, I’m still here. Plugging away. Wondering how on earth I’ve made it this far and this long. Or, frankly, why. Going to try to keep that cynicism below 49 percent, too, okay? And, honest to god, our own little versions of miracles DO happen. A lot when you start paying attention.

During the worst of times, I’d remind myself of the basics that to this day are still the most important things no matter what anyone says. I’ve got a fucking toilet that works. And a heater. And a bed. And a kitchen. And, transportation. And a computer. And a TV to watch an old black and white movie from back in the day when they knew how to write conversations. I have food in my fridge. Cold liquid to drink. I’ve got hot water for a shower for crying out loud. Not a penny for the future. Not a plan. Not a thought about what’s next. No idea where it’s going to come from. No idea of what to do next. But, hell. I’ve been living off the grid all this time…and technically it shouldn’t be…it just shouldn’t have worked. No umbrella. No company protection. No partner. No money. No insurance. No plan. No guarantees. Every possible construct has been designed to thwart my efforts. No tax breaks. No structure to reward independence. No back up. No nothing. All this time. Like in that old movie I saw the other night…darn it, I can’t remember the name…but the starving artist says, “I have zero income. I live on miracles.” Well, by golly…that’s how I have made it for three decades. Co-created unexplainable illogical ridiculously weird miracles. No…not the kind the church talks about. Real life miracles. And, the acceptance and love of some incredibly awesome friends and family members as I trot along being the funny uncle. That’s it. So, I’m not really worried about it.

But I’m fortunate. Very fortunate especially compared to so many in the world. Just plugging away. That’s all I know how to do. That’s all I know what to do. Hope for the best and hope I don’t end up on the street. And, if I do, I’ll learn something from that experience, then. Been that way for three decades. Guess I can handle a few more. Been trained. I practice it. Been taught to practice it. Integrate it into my earthly life. What good is any spiritual enlightenment if you can’t integrate it, anyway? Wonder what the hell is going on. Don’t like what I hear and read. Don’t like the idea that apparently the assholes have been running the show for eons.


Sometimes it seems like a spinning hamster wheel to me. Furious peddling and getting nowhere. The destination is always the same. Right back where you started. “Be as a child”—all innocent…after you worked your ass off to become an adult! Start in diapers and end up in diapers drooling. I’d think it’d be much nicer to sit on that comfy cloud and just watch the show, then. Seriously. Fuck. And, somehow I’m in the trenches and I have to keep playing in the mud.

How many times I just wanted to go back to Venus (that’s where I’d fantasize I could hide and everyone would just leave me alone) instead of being down here. How many times I would innocently ask myself those same darn questions, “What am I doing here? Why would anybody come down here in the first place?” And, “They’ve got it wrong. This is hell. Or, maybe Purgatory. Right here. Hmm…am I thinking Limbo? Why would I leave my spirit state to live this nonsense?” When you finally realize that line “All is vanity” is really true, you do wonder why you bother with any of it. There are those Catholic references again.

Now, supposedly I am to realize that I came here to be part of the changes that apparently are inevitable? Earth changes? The New Age? Changes in our perspective? Changes in everything? I came here on purpose? My destiny was pre-arranged? That’s what my contract was for?

Wait. Is that what destiny means? What?

And, I’m seeing it unfold right before me, of course, on my little computer in the safety of my own home. Trying to weed it out. Trying to see if there’s any truth to any of it. My impression is that there is an energy of change occurring.

I don’t know. At some point it becomes feelings. Feelings you can’t ignore. But, I do realize I “know” nothing other than what I’ve experienced in life. The gnosis. So, I do get it that all of this is “learning” from other sources. It’s not from experience. In the meantime, my Trust in God mantra is being pushed to the limit…so, even though I’m being exposed to another phase of something here, I realize my focus is now totally on the process and not at all on you know, certain things like income, food, my future…so, as this is going on stretching into months, my own personal experience is being pushed to the limit. Eating habits, sleeping habits, exercise, social life, everything seems to be going through another metamorphosis. The timing…the synchronization of both the study process and my personal experience into one absolutely amazes me. It’s requiring the most trust I’ve ever had. If you can quantify trust. And, for some reason, I’m a lot calmer this time around. Must be those lessons. So, I continue.


Jesus fucking Christ. How on earth do I tell anyone about this shit? How on earth do I sit there and tell the family, “Oh, I’ve had a lot of shit come down in my life…it all seemed pretty-well timed and planned up to this point….and now, for some reason, that synchronized plan puts me in a place I didn’t expect. I’m learning a bunch of crap I don’t like and a bunch I do…but just wanted to let you know that the aliens are coming. Or not. Or a new planet will show up that’s really not a planet. Or not. And, our really bad mojo shadow government is going to be revealed with secret alien technology they’ve been using on us for years…but hiding the best stuff. Or not. Or the world is going to shift poles. Or not. Or we’re all going to die from the heat. Or not. Or we are all going to face economic collapse and will have to grow our own gardens. Or not. Or, oh, did you know they’re poisoning us? Or maybe, not. Or, the angels are really a bunch of other galactic beings. Or, maybe there are angels who are really angels. And bad angels, too? Internet chatter? Or, internet revelations sorting themselves out? Apocalypse nonsense? Or a new version of prophecy playing itself out? A much better version potentially. if you ask me. There sure is a ton of it and I just discovered a tiny bit. Who the hell fucking knows. But, it sure seems like something is going on.”

They’ll put me away for sure.

But, those damn feelings are still there. Change.

Something big. Not sure I can grasp how big. Not sure I really want to know. But, I have this feeling that it’s fucking way bigger than we realize. And, we’re all in for a gigantic fucking surprise. You know…the kind that pretty much tells us that everything we thought we knew is wrong. About everything. Gonna be interesting. Have I just scratched the surface with what’s available to learn? Oh, for sure. You know, it was a lot easier to just use the encyclopedia…to find stuff out back in the day. Look up something. Take it as gospel. Put the book back. Done. Now, I think a great responsibility is laid at our feet…to figure out what is true, what is not…learn what we can but never quit trying to find out truth. And, keep our minds open.


And, have no fear. Tough call. But so much of the crap is all based on fear. I think some of the extremism we’re seeing is just a reaction to subconscious fear of losing control. People’s fear of not knowing. Fear of losing something that they think they had. A world that wasn’t real in the first place. The world changing around us…and now fear rears its ugly head like a giant boil…heaving and surging upward…the infection building and building…until it will finally burst and create a huge mess, yes, but the pressure will finally be relieved. Of course, only if the root of that boil comes out with the rest of the crap. So, healing can finally take place. The sun and vitamin D can heal the tender skin around what’s left of that gigantic pimple. Maybe that’s all we’re seeing right now…is expression of our own fears as we sense that something we don’t understand is happening. Just looking at American politics right now…such intensely strong polarities. Pulling at the vortex. Will they explode or implode? Will the root that’s causing it finally die? Or is it that big one…that basic one…the fear of death itself. But, as I have been trained through the years…when fear and loss of control rear their ugly heads, there was always light around the corner. Always. So, maybe all this nonsense is a really really good thing. In that bigger picture I’ve been talking about. It certainly could help explain the reason for separation, duality…that it’s just as important in the scheme of things right now as is love and light.

So, it’s just another cycle to me. Been through a ton of them. Frankly, it doesn’t seem any different than the way it’s been all along. Except, of course, that now I’m writing about it. Trying to open up about my experiences. Trying to explain this “synchronized event of my life and for some reason I have found out this information so I’d better share it” phase…because, you know…it means something to me now. So, I write. My script. We write our own scripts. I’d just as soon write the script of great sex and a lot of money if you ask me! But, hell…it’s never been only “about the journey”…or some perceived experience or thrill.

It is about the destination. It always has been. For me. Convincing yourself that it’s all about fun and experiences, living the good life at all costs and going for it…precludes the idea that we’re here on a mission…for a purpose…that might entail going down the dark alley even if we don’t want to…because we might be surprised at what’s at the other end. A trap? Or nirvana? And, maybe that nirvana might be way way better than anything we could have thought of in the first place. We’ll never know unless we start walking into it. But, hey…whatever floats your boat. Whatever experience or challenge or delight or ego-flattering or ego-shattering experience you want to have, well, by golly, go do it. That’s your journey, not mine. It’s funny. I end up being good at a lot of different things…not great at any one of them. Others end up being really great at one thing…and are clueless to the rest. Some are so amazing they seem to be pros at so much…and, on top of it at love, too. And humility. And seem so down-to-earth. Those are the ones I admire the most. Stars. Not your typical definition. Living stars. Muses. And the innocents who don’t know they are innocent. People who just naturally seem to exude joy. Regular people who give the best part of themselves… they exude all their feelings…they laugh and they cry and they share willingly. They are not afraid to be who they are. They are honest. I love them. Funny that the down-to-earth ones are probably the teachers from on high. I suppose that doesn’t make any difference, either. We’re all a part of the same team. Everyone has to play his role as scripted. But they all share that one thing in common. They are not afraid.

I just wish the movie would move along a little faster sometimes. Maybe just my own script that I’m following. Took a little longer to get it…I’m a little thicker in the head. Light coming our way? C’mon down! But you better be the good light, for cryin’ out loud. Other entities helping us? Hey…I’ve been talking to my five guardian angels for a lifetime…so have at it, guys! Yeah, but only if you’re my true spirit guides! Someday sickness and poverty and misery will end? The earth will be beautiful and happy with us? Well, then let’s get going. Let’s make some edits to this script! Let’s include the great shit…not just the nasty stuff. We can do it…if we shed fear. If nothing else, get rid of fear because it’s what feeds the bad dudes in the first place.


So, trust in yourself. Trust in your version of the “something bigger out there than we understand”… Make your mistakes. Experience it all. Allow it all. The questions. The feelings. The worry. The joy. With love in your heart, it IS going to be okay, no matter what comes down the pike. I really believe that. I guess that’s faith, huh? You can’t shed hatred or worry or guilt or any of the things programmed into us without living through them as best we can. Accepting them and allowing the energy to flow through and right on out of us. If we try to suppress them or hide them or push them aside, we all know they’ll come to bite our ass in the long run anyway. We already know this.

As for me? I’m convinced that, yup…yup…we’re going to keep finding out more and more and more about the truth of our world. Maybe we’ll actually begin to see some of this in the mass media…so it’s not limited to alternative sources and more people can learn. And, rather quickly. As if our consciousness is raising itself regardless of what we do individually. Or, maybe because more people are actually waking up. From what I’ve gleaned, there’s a perfect storm brewing…all elements are involved. The earth. Politics. War. Money. Religiosity. Hidden history coming to light. Conspiracies being disclosed as facts. Spirituality. Energies. Scientific discovery. Too much to ignore. Too much from all divergent aspects hitting at the same time. Interesting, though, that even though the topics, sources, opinions, analyses and positive and negative predictions are diverse…across politics, religions, metaphysics, science, mythology, enlightenment…the energy of change and anticipation of change stand out. Is it possible that all those energies, regardless of their diverse reasons and sources are still “anticipatory energies”—therefore the same as a whole mindset—-and can actually produce undetermined change as a result?

Some of it we’re not going to like. We’re going to discover things from back and back and back like in The Giver. Love that movie. They got their memories back. Thank you, Jonas. It only took one guy on a mission. Other information is going to be incredibly wonderful. Yup, I think…always have…that there are a ton of other beings in the grand galaxy of the Milky Way and beyond. Yeah…sure…I’m hoping that some of them are here to help us along our way. I really do. Yes, I think we’ve somehow gotten off on the wrong track…the wrong paradigm…and that life doesn’t have to be this way…was never meant to be this way…and that big changes are ahead. Yup…I feel like something big is happening. Been happening for quite a while, actually, and we’re about to see some revelations. Yup…I believe we’re going through a big transition…a transformation. And, I’m part of it. And so are you. So there, I said it.

If we’re lucky enough to be here when great wonderful changes come to pass, then let’s embrace them. If there’s a confusion and a mess to deal with, then let’s deal with it. Slowly but assuredly, one thing remains true. It may only be a feeling. But, there are a hell of a lot of incredibly wonderful souls on this earth. Trying to improve our lot. Trying to improve our planet. Trying to offer new ways of thinking and doing. I am amazed and encouraged beyond words to see so many young people so clearly seeing things as they are…so willing to embrace life’s challenges with high spirit and love. So much brightness is already here. It’s as though their self-awareness is already at a higher level.  Like they entered this plane already fully conscious. Star seeds. Star beings. Star children. They’re helping re-write the story.

So much love is already here, right now, right in front of us. I’m thankful I know them.

We may all confront some changes…that we see in our daily lives already…that require us to step up. If any of the stuff I’ve learned from my research is true…any of it…then, so be it. If it helps us see the light? If it helps us understand our place in the universe? If it helps us understand love and God and joy? Then, there’s nothing to be afraid of at all. Yup. Even if we wake up one day with space ships floating over our cities! If it’s all a false paradigm as well? It makes no difference. We can all start with ourselves today. It’s the only place to begin. It’s the only thing we really know.

* * * *


Well, fuck, Alice. I guess there was a lot I had to say after all. Who wrote this in the first place. Serious issues if you ask me. Thanks for listening. Okay. Okay. Another Saturday morning rant. Ahhh…just a cycle. Spinning the wheels. The roller coaster certainly isn’t as big as it used to be. It’s a little less scary. Probably because of my regular cyclical ranting to myself. It’s gotta even out eventually, right? Or, maybe that’s part of the fun…part of the challenge, riding the wave.

Probably me just writing me a reminder…to help sort everything out…and to keep me on track. That’s all. Or just feeling compelled to tell my friends what I’ve been up to. Or maybe I’m sensing a need to make sure my friends are aware. I’d like to think I’m re-writing my own story…changing my own paradigm. Hmmm. Just fine-tuning my radio station of choice, I guess. It’s now coming through in glorious high fidelity stereo! I like it! Coffee?

Amen to that.

She Left Him With An Angel

The wedding party was underway.  Dinner was over.  Vows were exchanged. Soon it would time to cut the cake.  A couple of great guys just made it official in front of family and friends. 

The Italian restaurant was the perfect backdrop for an informal affair.  The food was excellent.  The space was perfect.  The group represented those who embraced the union fully and those who had a bit harder time with understanding and accepting the new paradigm–but who were there nonetheless…wonderfully stretching the limits of their embrace.

A new beginning.  A life together.  A new start for two committed souls who pledged to become one.  A beautiful expression of love and hope and joy as they officially started their lives together. 

I picked up my vodka ‘ondaroks’ and weaved my way through the crowd, through the restaurant, past the bar and out onto the side patio.  No one else was outside…it was a bit chilly.  Lit my cigarette and sat down for a minute.  I didn’t know many people at the wedding, so I settled in for my moment of quiet, thinking a bit about my friends’ commitment to each other.  How proud I was of them.  I thought about how hard it must have been for some of their family members to accept what just happened.  I thought about how cool it was that these two friends found each other and wondered if I would ever be so lucky. 

Sipped my drink and puffed away.  Thinking.  Looking at the shadows cast on the building next door by the barren branches of the trees moving ever so slightly from the breeze.  It was quiet.

It was then that two young guys popped out on the patio.  There were a lot of tables and chairs on the large empty space.  But, one of the young men asked if I minded if he sat down at my table.  I said sure.  The two of them were sipping their Long Island Teas.  A couple of handsome kids, clearly great friends.  They seemed a bit quiet…almost whispering…pensive.  The one sat down.  The other, at first, stayed standing at the side.  They both lit up as well. 

We chatted for a moment.  They weren’t from the wedding, but had just eaten dinner.  I told them I had never been there before and was surprised I hadn’t since the restaurant had such a good reputation…and it was proven to me during the evening–a dimly lit, warm place just packed with revelers obviously enjoying the good food and atmosphere. 

It was then the young man sitting said, “My wife died a few days ago.”  I reacted in shock.  My mood instantly changed.  I was no longer “at the wedding” or at the restaurant or on the patio.  I was now in a new place…a space that only existed right there where we were sitting.  “I am so sorry,” I said ineptly.

The second guy explained that it was the first night out for his friend…that they needed to get out, eat dinner and try as they might to find some relief.

He was so young.  24 years old.  Whatever happened, of course, simply had to be horrific.  I was dumbfounded.  That’s the only way I can describe it.

He answered every question I had with clarity and grace beyond his years.  I asked if they had children and he said, yes, a boy.  When I asked how old their boy was, he said, “Three days.”  Three days?  Wait.  What?

I discovered that it was more tragic than anything I could fathom.  They had been together since they were 13.  They had been married for four years, I think.  She was a nursing student, thrilled about her progress and impending graduation. They were expecting their first child together, thrilled at the prospect of their growing family.  She was healthy.  There were no problems during the pregnancy.  They were planning for the future.  Three days ago all was well and they eagerly awaited the birth of their son. 

Then, the unimaginable happened.  She died in childbirth.  Something about the amniotic fluid leaking…I didn’t fully understand…still in shock that in this day and age such a thing could occur. 

So, here was this young man…clearly in stress…sharing his story with me about his beautiful wife, their hopes and dreams fulfilled with the birth of their son.  And she was gone.  Just like that.  And now he was a single father with a three-day-old son mourning the loss of his soulmate.  A son who will never meet his mother. And, will only hear the stories of how his mother died after giving him life.  And, this young man is now facing a future that he must embrace through the tears of his loss.  At 24 they had shared eleven years together…almost half of their lives on earth. 

All I could do was try to express my sorrow for him.  I tried to understand but explained I couldn’t.  I could only imagine the pain.  The loss.  The fear.  The anger.  The hurt in his heart.  I started to choke up.  It wasn’t a time to talk about fate or destiny or life’s blows.  All I could muster was assuring him that “She is here.  She loves you and your child and she hurts for you as well.”  Without hesitation he said he knew that, too. 

When asked, they both assured me he has a plethora of support and love from family and friends.  I asked him to honor every single feeling he has now from misery to joy, from lethargy and withdrawal to lashing out.  That no matter what he felt or experienced that it was okay.  It’s all I could say.  I had no other words of wisdom or understanding.  I ached for the ability to share something meaningful with him…something, anything…to help him. 

I told him that somehow I knew I would never forget him.  And, that I would say a prayer for him.  Through tears, I told him boldly…unabashedly…assuredly…that I loved him.  I don’t know where that came from or why.  I reached over and just said it.  I felt it.  I knew it.  And he reached out with his hand to shake mine and he unequivocally looked me in my eyes and said, “I love you” back to me.  And, then, thanked me.  

He thanked me.  

I still don’t understand.

I navigated my way back through the restaurant..through the din of conversation…dodging servers as if in a surreal world.  I entered the reception hall where the music had been turned up, the cake had been cut and the guests were standing with each other talking, laughing, posing for pictures celebrating this new union of love…a couple embarking on a bright future together.  A juxtaposition of life’s most incredulous moments of joy and pain merged together in my heart.  

Soon, we all helped clear out the photo booth and the flower arrangements, gathering our cameras and belongings and saying goodbye.  A group of us joyfully crowded into the enormous stretched limousine with music and flashing lights and began drinking the champagne in a roar of heartfelt laughter and joy for our two special friends.  

I knowingly, willingly joined them in shots of Fireball between sips of champagne. Trying to forget…

…trying to numb myself to the experience of the two worlds that were revealed to me during the evening.  All I really managed to do was numb myself even more during the rest of the night.  Desperately trying to understand the beginning of love’s union and the loss of love’s union…as the music swirled around me and the shots kept coming at the dance club where we continued the celebration. 

But, I will never forget.  My heart aches even now.  I will always remember him.  I will always wonder how on earth he could cope or have to face such loss and pain in his life as he raises his son alone.  I try to understand how his and his beloved wife’s souls merged only to be torn apart from each other so tragically.  And, at the same time, I hope for a long love-filled and fulfilling partnership for my newly married friends as they embark on their journey together.

Two other souls came together in an unexpected way that evening…mine with his…a permanent prayer for him etched in my essence. 


The Miracle Of The Ottoman

Don died on Wednesday, the 7th of November, 2001                                                                                                      


Don was one of my best friends.  He moved back from DC…came home to deal with his HIV status…oh, sometime in the late ’90’s.  I think it was 1996 or maybe 1997.

It was a big move.  I drove the big rental truck to DC with him years earlier when he moved to Arlington, VA, to assume his new post at the Department of Energy. So, his return was big.  He was retired.  He was comin’ home.

He found a wonderful duplex on 15th street in Tulsa across from The Sophian Plaza where he used to live.  It was a great place.  It was spacious, a 1950’s style duplex that was very private and provided him a perfect set-up for income property from the other half of the residence.

We ended up overhauling the entire place.  We had it painted, added stereo and lighting throughout and updated the entire interior.  We ripped out and replaced all the old concrete walkways, driveway and front steps and added a raised covered deck so he could see the Arkansas River down the hill.  I remember his saying, “Dark and cool.  Dark and cool.  Those summers in Tulsa can be brutal.”  We were setting it up to be the perfect place for him to adapt to the demanding challenges he faced with HIV.

I remember when he bought it.  And, I remember when he moved in–or, rather, when I moved him in.  It was a great thing he did for me:  “Set it up,” he said, “Do your thing.  I don’t have time.  The moving trucks will be there before I am.”

As a fledgling designer, decorator, project manager…mostly broke…still cleaning houses and handling garage sales and organizing people’s storage units and basements, I relished the opportunity he gave me.  When he arrived, every picture was hung, all the antique furniture and rugs were placed, the black-out draperies were hung and the kitchen was completely functional.

I had the lights set, the music playing, and when he walked in, he was home.

It was quite the undertaking.  A wonderful, creative and demanding experience.

I also remember that when he bought the place, there was one lone piece of furniture left in one of the bedrooms.  A beautiful, heavy round ottoman upholstered in coral naugahyde.  On casters.  From Marshall Field’s…probably made in the late ’50’s or early ’60’s.  “Make sure you get to keep the ottoman when you sign the deal,” I insisted.  It was going to be perfect in my retro-themed apartment.  It was a true find–one of those things that if you had set out to find it, you probably couldn’t.  It was a delightful classic piece to sit in front of my sofa and serve as a cocktail table and leg rest.  What a great color, I thought, to sit on my cream and black zebra-print rug.  It was one more wonderful, unique element to add to the slow, gradual upgrade of my apartment during the transition years.  I loved it.

I also remember that he got a ‘built-in roommate’ for the other half of the duplex. She was already a renter, and she was perfect.  She worked nights.  She was quiet.  She was responsible.  She didn’t throw parties.  So, Don was set.  He didn’t even need to find someone to lease the other side.

It was so many years ago.  There are so many stories.  There was so much drama and intensity.  Yet, there was so much life in that duplex.  That was Don–brilliant, troubled, intense, full of life and love.

In what seems now like a flash, he was gone.  Like so many others of the time.


I started training at Fitness Together in south Tulsa in late 2009.    Heather, a friend in the design business, recommended them.  It was located on the opposite side of town, but I thought I’d give it a try.  I’d been doing my own program for 20 years…it was time for a change. It’s now been almost six years that I head out south three times a week.  Every week.  Aaron, the owner, trained me for years.  When he and Bethany, his wife and also a trainer, decided to free themselves of the franchise, they opened their own studio and Bethany took over the business and my training while he started his new career.

I was there when their two kids were just a thought.  Now, one of the kids is a toddler and the other, entering school. They were there to hear my tales of my parents slipping away into dementia at the retirement center.  I shared stories of my journey through independence after leaving corporate life so many years ago. There’s an intimacy and friendship that develops over time as you work with someone who helps you maintain your body and your health.  Bethany is a Taurus like me–like most of my friends, actually–and we get along as if we’ve known each other all of our lives.  We share the stories, frustrations and details of our lives as we go through the weekly, monthly, yearly sessions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning.

Bethany would also share stories of her single life before meeting Aaron.   In fact, she bought her first house in a neighborhood near my old house…the one mom and dad bought way back in 1979…during my entitled years.  But, it was after I had already moved away.  “Isn’t that funny,” we thought, “that we both lived in the same neighborhood.”   It was at different times, of course, but out of all the places in town, it was neat that we had familiar stomping grounds in our past.

Now my design work is full time…with some great years and some not so great years.  But, my little sole proprietorship sustains me.  Many times I wondered if the training ‘had to go’ in order to make my budget work.  And, every time I considered it, I somehow managed to keep it a priority.  I always felt like it was the first thing on the ‘must do list’…not a luxury, but a necessity. Bethany, Aaron and now, Harper and Hayes, their kids, are a regular part of my life.  And, there’s pretty much nothing we don’t tell each other.  Or, so we thought.


It’s been a summer of renewal and awakening.  I took my first trip back to Wisconsin in eight years to visit relatives and to disperse mom and dad’s ashes in the waters of Green Bay.  It seems as though all I’ve done is read and do research and soul exploration this summer.  I have some nice small projects going, but it is the first time in ages that I haven’t been wrapped up in an intense design project or two.  I’m just going with the flow as I’ve done all these years.  It’s an interesting, albeit challenging summer at the same time.  Fortunately, last year’s incredibly intense triple project workload afforded me this year’s summer break.  Now, mind you, I do experience some moments of worry and I wonder what’s next.  As the coffers empty, it’s natural for me to go through my ‘fear stage’ about the future once in awhile.  My head asks the questions, “What are you going to do?”, and “Should you do something else?”, and “Was this a good idea to be completely on your own…should you have a connection with a support mechanism?!”  My soul says it’s okay, go with it.  It’s all part of my journey which, actually, has sustained me nicely regardless of my worries.


One day in the middle of summer, I decided to hang out a little longer than usual at the studio after my workout.  I had no pending meetings or obligations so I figured, heck, why not chill and take my time.  Bethany had already started training Karen, her next client.  I remember Karen from the other studio.  We hadn’t seen each other in a long time…her scheduled appointments are on a different day than mine are.  Today, her schedule had changed.  I took my time putting on my street shoes, getting ready to leave.

We’re all talking and laughing–just carrying on–when it hits me that they seem to be talking as if they’ve known each other for a really long time.  So, I finally just ask them, “Wait.  How long have you two known each other?  It thought you just met as client and trainer.”

“Oh, we go way back,” Karen said.  “Bethany lived in my family’s duplex on 15th Street before we sold it.”

“Wait,” I said.  “Where on 15th Street?”

Bethany and Karen both say, “Across from the Sophian.”


I proclaim, “There’s only one duplex across from The Sophian…it was my friend’s…” and I started to say Don, when Bethany chimes in, “Yes, Donald’s.”

And, Karen adds, “Yeah, my family owned it.  We sold it to Donald.”

In disbelief, I said, “What?”  Here was the renter from the other side of the duplex? Here was the perfect roommate that Don talked about?  I’ve been in her side of the duplex when we had to fix the kitchen counters.  I’ve been in her space while she was at work.

“Do you mean we crossed paths years ago?  Literally?  Did we meet and forget that we met?  Did we miss each other as I arrived and you left?  Was I sitting in Don’s kitchen while he was talking to you on the patio?  And, now you’re my trainer?”

Oh, my, I thought.  How could this be?

After all these years, we were all stunned that we shared such a significant connection in our past. We made the typical ‘what a small world’ comments and ‘six degrees of separation’ observations.  We all thought it was odd, though, because we did not share any network of friends, family or workplace relationships.  We were just three people in South Tulsa discovering our connection years after it was made.

You know, what may not seem that important to someone else, to us became something special and important.  How on earth could Bethany be the very person that ‘came along with the property’ way back when?  It was such a significant turning point in my life back in the ’90’s–one of the first really big projects I had undertaken…and I’m now hearing stories about the ‘girl next door’ from so many years ago that has been part of my life the last five years?

And Karen is the daughter of the guy who sold it to Don?  Are you kidding me?  My stories that day were from Don’s perspective.  He would carry on about the negotiating process when acquiring this ‘perfect place’ for him and was thrilled he didn’t have to find a renter.  Karen’s stories were about her family finally deciding to sell it, her dad handling the process and that they wanted Bethany to be able to stay in her home.  More details revealed that the first house Bethany bought…over in our old shared neighborhood…was the house she moved to when she finally moved out of the duplex.

It was so cool to realize that there’s a thread throughout life that connects us when we’re not even aware of it.  It was just so cool.  We three were a bit dazed, surprised that this particular day of changed schedules, this particular conversation, this particular moment was given to us reminding us that there are no coincidences.  There is no randomness.  There was an odd sense of ‘knowing’ and comfort that we all experienced.

The feeling is subtle, but it’s there.  It makes for a great story.  It makes for a wondrous thought.  And, frankly, the whole experience was oddly calming.  After the ‘wow’s’ wore off, during the ensuing weeks, Bethany and I would often stop for a moment, look up and ask, “Wait, you knew Don?”  But routine and normalcy eventually take over and you go back to the regularity of Monday, Wednesday, Friday.


Weeks later, one day Bethany tells me that Karen had a question for me about a piece of furniture Donald had ‘since you were his designer.’  I thought it funny.  I never considered myself his designer at the time, more as a person who put the puzzle pieces of his home together.  It was his furniture, his art, his collectables.  It was his taste.  I remember laughing and telling her, “Oh, my, I have no idea what happened to all of his stuff.  His family took over.”  I do remember Bethany showing me a picture of an antique recliner he had given her.  But, the rest of it?  I had absolutely no idea.

“What a funny question for Karen to ask,” I told Bethany.  “I can’t imagine I can help her.”

Bethany responded, “Well, apparently it’s a pink…no…I think, coral…ottoman. She wondered if you knew anything about it.”

“Say what?” I’m thinking.  Did she seriously just ask about the coral ottoman from Marshall Field’s?

“Yeah, apparently her dad wasn’t supposed to let Donald have it.  It’s from a matching set of retro furniture they had at their lake house.”

Come to find out, it had been a running joke in Karen’s family throughout the years.  Her dad wasn’t supposed to have given the ottoman to Don…it was supposed to go back to the lake house.  The family was upset with him when they found out.  They had the sofa, the chairs, the tables and were missing the ottoman.  They inherited the set from one of their relatives.  It had all been in the family a long long time.  Original matching vintage sets in good condition are not easy to come by and they let their dad know it!

The next time I saw Karen, she explained, “Oh, we laughed about it so often. We’ve given dad so much trouble through the years about that darn thing.  We’ve got all the original pieces except the ottoman and we never let him forget it!”  She said periodically a relative would ask about it and they quickly replied, “Oh, the ottoman?  Dad gave it away when he sold the duplex!  He wasn’t supposed to!”

I told her, “Why, gosh, yes, I know that ottoman and it was my pride and joy.  A treasure I loved.  It adorned my apartment for years!”  We laughed and I added, “In any event, you can know that the darned ottoman was loved!”  Her dad died recently, so it was too late to share the story with him, but her family now knew the ‘rest of the story.’  Maybe he’s laughing at us from the other side, “I knew they’d get it back one day.”

I was amazed, of course, that out of all of the questions I could be asked, it was about the coral ottoman.  Gosh, our story just got better by her asking about it. What a web we weave!  I wondered whatever happened to the thing.  Did I give it away?


So, I decided to check out my storage closet in my old brick apartment building built in 1928…closets tucked away for the residents in the recesses of the basement.  I don’t remember seeing the ottoman.  I only hit the closet once a year to grab holiday decorations.  It’s dark down there.  The closet is crammed.  I wasn’t about to tell Karen or Bethany that I was going to look for the ottoman.  I didn’t want to get their hopes up.  I honestly couldn’t remember if it was still in there.

I finally found the key to the lock, opened the door, and using my phone’s flashlight started looking.  Well, by God, as if peering out to see me, I spot a bit of coral naugahyde.  Tucked in the corner with boxes stacked high on top of it.  It was there.  The ottoman was there.

“Of course I didn’t give it away,” I thought, realizing that I surely planned to use it again someday if I ever moved–and, of course, that I really don’t get rid of anything that’s cool.  I was so happy it was there.

I removed all the boxes, pulled it out, cleaned it up, took some pictures and loaded it into the car.  Anticipating Karen’s response, I only let Bethany know it was coming.  I placed it close to the window next to some exercise equipment at the studio.  It’s a bit time-worn.  I prefer to think it has character.  But, the overall shape is pretty good and the color is good.  There it sat in its aged glory waiting to go home.  The next time Karen had a session, she loaded it up.  Beaming.

Karen and her family finally got the coral ottoman from Marshall Field’s back where it belonged…with its matched set of furniture.  Her mother is overwhelmed.  “What do you mean, you found the ottoman?” she asked Karen.  The family stories continue.  The last chapter to their unfinished story is written.  They never thought there would be a last chapter or that they would ever know what happened to the ottoman.   Their only regret is that their dad was already gone, but we all agreed that something tells us he knows.


Let’s think about this for a moment.  What are the chances?  What does it mean, if anything?

18 years ago my friend bought a duplex that came with a roommate.

18 years later I realize the roommate is my trainer and that I’ve met the daughter of the man who sold the duplex to him.

18 years ago my friend gave me a piece of furniture from that duplex.

18 years later, I return the piece of furniture to the family who left it in the duplex.

And, it all started on a day when the schedules changed and the moment of sharing a story unfolded because I didn’t rush out of the studio.

Let’s pretend I had a conversation with Don all those years ago while we were finishing up the move:

“Gosh, Don.  That roommate you keep talking about?  Well, I’m going to meet her in about a dozen years and it will take another five years to finally realize that she was your roommate and friend, too.  We’re going to tell stories about you and the duplex and that time of our life that we shared with you.  It’s going to bring back all the memories.  And, on top of it, you know that ottoman you gave me?  Well, I’m going to meet the girl who’s dad sold the duplex to you and I’m going to return the ottoman to her.  We’re going to find out that he wasn’t supposed to let you have it! I’m not going to think about this for the next 18 years.  I’m not going to go searching for your renter or the family that sold you the duplex.  They are just going to magically appear in my life at the right time.”

Yeah, right, it sounds pretty crazy.


The significance does not lie in a small piece of furniture… a funny story of coincidental occurrences–random luck and unfathomable circumstances that lead to a simple “Gosh, that’s weird” reaction.  Instead, it shows us that a seemingly unimportant event, decision or choice made many years ago can come back to us to remind us and teach us that nothing is random.  It reminds us that all things are connected–we are all connected–that the connections are very real and that there really are no coincidences.  The storyline we create is like a thread of life we all sew together to create a wavy, gauzy blanket wafting in the wind, light flowing through it, wrapping itself in itself and unfolding when the breeze is just right.  The blanket gently folds over itself and connects to other points on itself depending upon that soft breeze.  It is in motion at all times regardless of time.

The timing was just right for all of us involved in the ‘miracle of the ottoman’.  For me, during a summer of awakening it helped me let go of my fears and worries about what’s next.  It has helped me trust that the decisions I made long ago and even now are the right ones, that I am exactly where I need to be in my life–that trusting my instincts will lead me to the right place and people in life.  The timing was impeccable and important to me this summer in particular.  At any other time, it might not have left such an indelible impression.  It also reminded me to remain calm and to chill once in awhile.

It is also a story for all of us to realize that everything will be revealed when the time is right.  It is a story to remind us that each choice we make, each decision we make–even the small ones–fit into a much grander picture beyond our wildest imaginations if we open our hearts to feel it and we open our eyes to see it.  It is a story to remind us that we have no need to worry or to control everything in our life because there is something much much greater happening all on its own–without our help or machinations.

I hope all of us are lucky enough to see our stories unfold in that ‘random’ occurrence–the unlikely ‘coincidence’ of a friend, a chance meeting–a memory–that reminds us of the connection to the big picture with an assurance for us that all is well in our lives.  Each thread we sew in the blanket of our lives is interwoven with everyone else’s threads at the same time.  And, we are all using thread from the same spool.




When I shared this story with some friends, here’s one of the responses I received from my friend, Molly…something I had forgotten:

“I love this, Gare!  What a great example of how the connections we make continue to leave their mark.  To add a little thread to this amazing blanket:  That beautiful coral ottoman was also at my house in Tulsa!  You brought it, along with some other cool pieces, over to our house the day we moved in my junior year to help decorate.  It served us well over the next year and a half until we graduated, and was a great piece that truly made our little rental house at 9th and Oswego feel like a home.  What a full circle that ottoman has made!  Coming to your house when you needed it, your bringing it to mine when I needed it, and your sending it home to join the rest of the set so many years later.  Thank you for being a beautiful, continuous thread in the weave of my blanket!”

The coral ottoman


The label

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Karen getting ready to take the ottoman home

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The Book

Okay, funny little miracle story…the guardian angel kind…


So, I write almost every day.  Most of you know that.  Just a thing.  Gets all the shit out of my head.  Anyway, when my little composition books get filled up, I go through a mini-ceremony and rip up all the pages and throw the pile away.  Purging, I call it!

I figure, what…1986 through 2015–29 years–365 days a year…pick a random figure to reflect an average number of pages I write each day…low, at 3.  And, oh, lawdy, what about those phases when I write 10 or more pages without thinking about it…wow.  I’m either wasting a lot of paper …or I simply have a ton of shit in my head, ay?  Probably both.

Whenever I’m at the Dollar Store…always a protracted plan to hit one, oh, every three months or so…I make sure I pick up my composition books because they’re only a buck.  Plenty of them.  They always have ’em.  Then, I always have ’em.  It’s a habit.  You know the kind:  they’re black.  They’re not too big.  The cover has “Composition Book” printed on it.  Ruled pages.  Soft cardboard covers.  The kind you use in school.  Great for writing journal stuff without having to buy real journals.  Been part of my daily life for years now.

Nothing extraordinary here.

So, this last week, I went looking for an empty book at home and couldn’t find one.  Are you kidding me?  I was surprised…I always have extras.  Oh, hell, I thought….use a legal pad.  Whatever.  Nah, I don’t like writing on legal pads….I prefer those darn little books…where everything is in order and protected by a cover.  But, heck, why not…gonna throw it all away anyway, right?  Because I just did NOT want to do a “Dollar Store Run”.  Not one more special trip for something I can live without.  Not on a holiday weekend.  I have everything else I need…all that stuff you stock up on at those stores…and just didn’t want to make a special run.  I figure, “No big deal.”

Been a week.  Legal pad is half full.  Forgot all about it.


Today, on the way to the laundry, I decide to pick up a few things at the Walmart Grocery Store.  You know…extra charcoal for the weekend.  A pork roast to smoke on the grill.  Odds and ends.  I needed milk.

Do my shopping.  Get everything  I need.  Finally navigate over to the checkout lines.  Always fun at a Walmart Grocery Store.  Start pulling into one…”No!…back up!…Too many people!”  Check out another one.  “Shoot, that lady must be shopping for two months…,” I’m thinkin’.   Another one, “Oh, no.  I just can’t stand behind that lady.”  Parts of her back were hanging over the sides of her scooter…her pink sweater looking like pink water balloons.  I just couldn’t stare at that today.  Nah, not today.  “Dang…I don’t want to hit the self-checkout area…”  So, I finally find a line and pick my spot…only three people…relatively light loads in their carts.  Whew.

I start unloading onto the conveyer belt…still waiting, of course, for the second guy ahead who waited until everything in his cart was already loaded into bags…and THEN he started punching the little credit card thingy.  Oh, well…can’t do anything about it.  Just have to wait.  Be calm.  Sigh.  Just a little time.

So, my eyes wander over to the candy displays.  “No!  No, I say to chocolate!”  Already looked at the magazine covers.  Apparently Kim caught Kanye with his ex.  A shiny one stood out:  “Understanding The Bible Today”….oh, there’s one, I thought—“Only in Oklahoma…wonder if it explains understanding what the Bible is not.”

Yes, I’m wandering in thought.  Distracted.  That daze in the store when you’re almost out…you’re almost free…but ya just have to wait a little longer…thinking about nothing in particular…just biding your time. 

And, then my eyes wander on up to the top of the candy racks.  Smooth stainless steel.  Must be the top of the cooler behind the rack–you know, those mini refrigerators with lemonade and cokes.  Nothing on it but one little thing.  Just one little thing.

“Hmmm.  Is that a composition book sitting there?”

No…it can’t be.  I look again.  I step over just a couple of feet and realize that, yes…it’s a composition book.  I pick it up thinking someone must’ve decided they didn’t want it.  I wonder if it’s marked up or dirty or something.  Maybe it’s got food smushed on the back cover.

Usually, the only things people leave behind are, you know, a package of cheese sitting on top of the Ice Breaker Mints.  Or, a can of soup shoved into the beef jerky slot.  Never anything I want or need.  Or, want to touch.  Kinda cool that out of all things, there’s this black composition book just sitting there.  All by itself.  And, it’s clean!

I actually entertained the thought that maybe I shouldn’t get it…it’s probably three bucks…darn it…”I’m not gonna pay extra for that book when I can get it at the Dollar Store.”  It was my mother channeling through me.  I laughed to myself…and, decide, “Of course, I’m going to get this book!”

I’m smiling now, thinking it’s pretty cool.  How convenient.  I add it to my grocery pile.  Glance up when she scans it.  A whopping 62 cents.  I’m thinking, “I didn’t even know they had these here…hell, and it’s cheaper than the dollar store, too?  You’re kidding me!”

All of a sudden, I find myself in a brilliant mood.  I’m just feeling remarkably content.  Noticeably so.  This is not a feeling I normally associate with while grocery shopping at Walmart, believe me.  Anyway, I smiled…and all the way to the car couldn’t help but thinking…

“No…seriously…you just found a composition book sitting there as if it were meant for you?  Didn’t even have to look for it?  Forgot you even needed one?  Just sitting there waiting for you at the checkout line?  The random checkout line you picked after inspecting all of them?  Wait.  That’s cool.  That’s WAY cool.  A little thing, yup…but it really IS as though…”

And, that’s when I decided it WAS my guardian angel…no doubt.  Or some grand connection of energy I can’t explain that somehow placed this composition book right there…for me…no one else.  A little gift.  In front of me.  A little something I needed but had forgotten about.  Did I somehow know it was there?  It left me with an outstanding feeling of protection…that my needs will always be met–and, in fact, I don’t even have to worry about or remember what those needs are…that someone is looking out for me.  Coincidence?  Nope.  I don’t believe in coincidences.

Okay, no grand miracle here.  Yeah.  Yeah.  It’s not like I was saved from a  car wreck or something dramatic.  It’s not like I saw bright lights and floating clouds in the Walmart Grocery Store.  It’s not like some magical event with angels singing and Jesus’ face appearing in the macaroni salad behind the deli counter.  I get that.

Nope.  Just a composition book.  Just a little thing.  But, for me, a reminder.  A big reminder–that when you really do ‘let it go’…sometimes you get a gift, a little message…that can make you smile and remember that everything is going to be okay–if you slow down, open your eyes and see.

That little composition book was meant for me.

So, I said, “Hey…thanks!” out loud.  In the car, of course–yes, after I shut the door.  Not sure who I was talking to.  But, said it anyway.  And, I cruised home…still in my great mood…and felt like writing out this little story for you.  Doesn’t take much, does it?  Now, especially, I’m kinda looking forward to the weekend!

And, I know where I’m going to get my next Composition Book, too.